Johnson, Gove and Rees-Mogg are our Brexit Dream Team too, says EU

THE EU has confirmed that it would be delighted to deal with the Brexit ‘Dream Team’ of Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Jacob Rees-Mogg.

EU negotiator Michel Barnier admitted that a prime minister completely beholden to the City’s every desire, a deputy skilled at explaining away catastrophic failure and a chancellor of the exchequer from the mid-19th Century would be perfect.

He added: “Johnson is the guy who was pro-Brexit until the very last minute and is desperately trying to save his career? Yes, I could absolutely work with that.

“Gove I only know as the man who whose very touch turns everything to shit. A sort of ‘Shit-Midas’. That is very useful experience for these negotiations.

“And Mr Rees-Mogg does not seem to be aware of the existence of microchips and still refers to Sri Lanka as ‘Ceylon’. Who better?”

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Man who thinks girlfriend should make an effort wearing same t-shirt since he was 14

A MAN who thinks his girlfriend should try a bit harder with her appearance has been wearing the same dreadful T-shirt since he was a teenager.

Sarah Bartlet said: “Tom made a comment right before we were due to go out for drinks with his friends.

“I’d been in a rush because I’d just gotten back from work and didn’t have much turnaround time to get ready. I jumped out of the shower and put my clothes on and was ready to go, but when I got to the front door, Simon was already annoyed.

“It was surprising because he was wearing his T-shirt that he he bought in 2001. It’s bright orange with a crappy, cartoon graphic of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I know, I’m going out with a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. What the fuck?”

She added “Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time he bought new clothes. His boxers are almost entirely holes and he has so many holes in his socks, he basically wears them like leg warmers.”

Boyfriend, Tom Logan, said: “I just think she looks nice when she puts a bit of lippy on. This t-shirt is what you call a ‘timeless classic’.”