Worker reproduction to be made more affordable

WORKING humans are to receive financial assistance with the cost of breeding new additions to the labour pool.

The government has announced £2,000 worth of help for each pair of workers that has reproduced in a move to safeguard the flow of new humans into the economy.

31-year-old female worker/breeder Mary Fisher said: “Our offspring is of pre-working age and thus economically not self-sufficient.

“It is very costly to place him in a supervision unit so that my partner and I can both fulfill our duty to the economy.

“Next year I plan to breed once more. Then we will have two non-workers to sustain.

“It is an expensive situation. However we acknowledge the need to regenerate the financial core using our genetic material.”

Fisher’s partner Roy Hobbs said: “I hope that one day soon sex will become obsolete and the system can be sustained by perfect humans made in breeding tanks.”

The leader said: “Be sure to feed your little pre-workers fresh food, it makes them stronger and more resilient.”

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British Gas smart meter switches all your stuff on when you’re not there

BRITISH Gas ‘smart meters’ wait until you go out and then switch on all your appliances.

The meters have been programmed to waste as much electricity as possible at the most expensive time of the day.

Consumer expert, Martin Bishop, said: “If you were to sneak back into your house you would find the telly and the stereo on full blast, the kettle boiling, the oven on and an empty washing machine on a repeating spin cycle.

“But you wouldn’t be able to sneak back because the smart meter knows exactly where you are and switches everything off just before you come home.”

He added: “British Gas is now working on a new meter that will erase all the stuff on your Sky+ box, then send you a text message telling you not only what it has done but that you can also go fuck yourself.”

Jane Thompson, who has a smart meter installed in her Stevenage home, said: “It does feel that the house is now possessed by an ancient spirit that wants to steal from me.”