Russia angers West by recognising Villas-Boas as a football manager

RUSSIA has heightened tensions with the UK by supporting Andre Villas-Boas’s claim to be a football coach.

The news that Zenit Saint Petersburg had employed Villas-Boas as manager has been condemned as a ‘clear act of provocation’ by foreign secretary William Hague.

Hague said: “While a small minority does see Villas-Boas as a coach, appointing him as Zenit boss achieves nothing except to isolate Russia and diminish its place in the world.

“To be willing to sabotage an innocent club just to make this kind of political statement without thinking about the people it will hurt is shocking.”

While Russia claims that Villas-Boas’ time at Chelsea and Tottenham is evidence of a coaching career, the West insists that no obvious football tactics were used during his time at either club.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re surprised to read that Courtney Love can apparently locate a plane in an entire ocean but still can’t find a tune with both hands and a torch.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Songs are always telling us to reach for the stars, but somehow it’s still your fault when you’re arrested outside a film premiere.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You wake up and the smell the coffee. You live alone. WHO IS MAKING COFFEE IN YOUR KITCHEN?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Congratulations – getting all the spaces stamped on your STD clinic loyalty card gets you a free test on the house.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No, I don’t think working in a firework factory allows you to give your job description as ‘rocket scientist’, actually.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This weekend, why not go to a maternity ward waiting room and tell the bloke next to you you’ll pay for the kid’s shoes if it comes out looking like you?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Time to start booking your summer holiday where you’ll sit on a beach doing fuck all rather than at your desk doing fuck all.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your shoes have gone past the point of odour eaters and have reached the stage of ‘arms limitation treaty’.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You doubt your new girlfriend when she says the type of dance she does for a living is ‘ballet’ when she buys a round of drinks from a pint pot full of loose change.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Police stubbornly refuse to believe you’re practising parkour when they find you on a first-storey windowsill of a terraced house at three in the morning.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re always the first to get a round in at the pub because you need to neck your drink and scarper before they notice you’ve tried to pay with a Nectar card.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The chances of you finding happiness this week (4, 3)