Friday, 3rd July 2020

'You haven't got that fat, actually' and other post-lockdown greetings

AFTER months of lockdown you’re probably a bit rusty at the old small talk. Here are some conversational icebreakers for this brave new COVID-19 world.

‘Your hair looks shit’

Most people you bump into are going to have shit hair, be it a ropey dye job, a deeply amateur buzz cut or a fringe that looks like it’s been cut with a knife and fork. Yours of course looks fine – you definitely haven’t got a Bono-in-the-80s regrettable mullet.

‘You haven’t got that fat, actually’

Blurt this out if you’re really insensitive, or use it deliberately if you’re a bastard. Best delivered immediately to catch the victim off guard. Also focusing on others’ weight gain is a great way of denying to yourself that you’re carrying some lockdown blubber, if you’re weird.

‘Been staying alert?’

The perfect kind of inane guff to spout at someone you barely know or like. Bumped into a kid from school you weren’t really friends with? The ex who dumped you by text? Have an effort-free conversation with this phrase – it’s the new “Funny weather we’ve been having”.

‘Cancelled any nice holidays this year?’

As in: ‘I have’. If people thought a bit of deadly global pandemic would stop you bragging about your family ski trip in the Swiss Alps or your wellness retreat in Cambodia, they were wrong. What’s more you’ve saved a thousand quid or more, so it’s win-win.

‘Do you want these two kids?’

This humorous comment will strike a chord with any friend who’s been juggling looking after children with working from home. What they don’t realise is that you are deadly serious and will happily give them your kids right there and then so you can drink stubby lagers and finally get a go on the Playstation.