Young voters urged to make inane, idiotic voices heard

VOTERS aged 18 to 24 have been told to make sure to cast their moronic, misguided votes in the general election.

Political commentators are to spend the next month telling young people that if they do not vote then everything that goes wrong in the next five years is all their fault.

Analyst Julian Cook said: “I strongly encourage young people to get to the polling stations on June 9th, mainly based on a groundless hope that they can’t be as deluded as their parents and grandparents.

“First-time voters need to learn that by randomly ticking a box on a ballot paper they can genuinely influence the course of their country, however naive and incoherent their views.

“To the stoned students giggling at Family Guy, to the gamers screaming Nazi slogans at Call of Duty, to the Tumblr teens who believe they are reincarnations of Pokemon, I say get out there and vote.”

19-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “You do realise that the major parties don’t have a solitary policy aimed at young people, don’t you? That they shaft us to pander to the old?

“Of course not. You’re too busy shouting.”

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Crime drama just f**king you about now

A TV crime drama that started off promisingly is now just f**king with viewers for kicks, it has emerged. 

Eight-part thriller Deadhaven is increasingly annoying viewers by throwing in dozens of red herrings and implying every character could possibly be a knife-wielding maniac.

Tom Logan of Maidenhead said: “Oh for God’s sake. The vicar is not the killer. Stop trying to make me think he is.

“There are a good six possible, and plausible, possibilities. There don’t need to be ten, or 14, or 50.

“I’m getting sick of thinking people are cold-blooded murderers when they’re innocent. It’s like discovering Hannibal Lecter’s actually banged up for dole fraud.”

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “Anyone could be the killer. I even suspect the voiceover guy for Oak Furniture Land in the ad break.

“It’s definitely got me emotionally involved because if there’s a really shit twist at the end I’m going to smash the telly.”