You’re not even in our top five worries, Londoners tell extremists

LONDON residents have told extremists that they have far more pressing things to worry about.

Londoners told terror wannabes that they will never even scrape the top five of things that plague their tired, jumbled minds on a daily basis.

32-year-old accounts assistant Tom Booker said: “I already have nightmares on a rotating basis about my barely-affordable rent, work-related exhaustion, meeting a partner who isn’t weird, growing older in a lonely city and a lingering stomach ache that I reckon is an ulcer.

“If terrorists think they can make me more scared than I already am, good luck with that. As far as nagging daily anxieties go, I’m afraid they’ll have to take a number and join the back of the queue.”

Brixton-based Mary Fisher said: “I live in a garden shed with two 45-year-old computer programmers and today I did a three-bus commute to Oxford Circus, then paid £12 for a chicken sandwich in some vaguely fancy bread.

“I deal with London bullshit every single day. I am undefeatable.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Man United cracks down on fans smuggling sudoku into Old Trafford

MANCHESTER United has pledged to stop fans smuggling puzzles, games and books into Old Trafford to keep them occupied during matches.

The club has trained its security staff to spot a sudoku book being concealed inside a match programme and bags are being searched for novels.

Suspicions were raised during the team’s 0-0 draw with West Ham when a Marouane Fellaini near miss was greeted by absolute silence, except for a dispute taking place over a game of ‘Buckaroo!’ in the Stretford End.

A Manchester United spokesman said: “We will not tolerate fans being entertained.”

Season ticket holder Wayne Hayes said: “Since August I’ve read most of Dickens. It has been a literary feast, courtesy of Louis van Gaal.”

He added: “I’m taking my tax return to the Norwich game.”