'You’re shop-soiled goods by age 30': Your own mum or an online incel? Guess the quote

WERE these offensive nuggets of misogyny offered to you by an internet stranger who despises the idea of female empowerment, or your sweet old mum? Find out here:

‘You’re shop-soiled goods by age 30’

While feminist tomes like Cosmopolitan may have convinced you that 30 is the new 20, this person has a vested interest in ensuring that you fear ageing and the inevitable demise of your good looks and youthful charm. This means you will probably accept the first man that comes along after your 31st birthday. Sounds like something another woman would never say? Wrong. Your mum said it yesterday.

‘Your career will just get in the way of your life’s real purpose’

This person is adamant that no man wants a woman who’s had a career or pursued any of her own interests. For them, your only purpose is to settle down, birth as many kids as possible, and spend the next thirty years as a slave to housekeeping and child-rearing. Yeah, obviously it was your mum.

‘Men need someone to look after them’

Poor men, ageing out of childhood into an adult world that cruelly expects them to be able to do things like buy washing up liquid and not play video games until 3am on a Tuesday. But who says you should be the one to assist them in navigating it all? Not the men, they’re fine. No, it’s your mum who wants to continue to infantilise them.

‘You shouldn’t be going out in that dress’

While you were under the impression that men should take responsibility for their actions, this person thinks the exact opposite. Apparently, if you wear a tight top or show a couple of inches of thigh, you’re asking to be harassed. Classic solidarity from none other than your own mum.

‘You don’t want to be an old mum’

Egg-freezing and IVF may have helped women take a bit more control over their fertility, but this person strongly believes that having a child after your ‘peak fertile years’ is a crime against nature, and you will be rightly shunned by society. Who would have such regressive views on reproduction? Your mother, of course.

‘Women are only good for one thing’

To be fair, your mum didn’t say this. What she did say was ‘Women are only good for two things: sex and cooking. And you’re not very good at cooking.’ Even an incel wouldn’t go that far.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Driver generously allows humble pedestrians to cross road with regal hand gesture

A BENEVOLENT motorist has permitted a group of pedestrians to cross the road with a noble flourish of his wrist.

Joe Turner was driving down a residential street when he took pity on some inferior carless people standing by the kerb. In an act of heartwarming charity, Turner grandly swept his open hand from left to right like a king granting them right of passage.

Turner said: “I don’t want to make a big thing of it, but it’s nice to give something back. Those types of underclass pauper have enough trouble in their lives without being stuck trying to cross a road for ages.

“The look on their faces is always priceless. People are delighted that a busy, important man in his own car would be thoughtful enough to let them go first. Sometimes they even swear at me because they are so overwhelmed.”

Pedestrian Eleanor Shaw said: “Yeah, it was nice that he let us cross over, but did he really need to gesture with his hand like he was presenting us with the crown jewels?

“You could stomach it if it came from someone in a Rolls Royce or a Bentley, because they’re obviously idiots with more money than sense, but he was only driving a Nissan Almera. I’ve got a much nicer car than that in my garage.”