NEW US airstrikes on Syria will restore peace in the region with no further complications, rubble or death.
Precision bombing of ISIS targets is expected to bring democracy, rights for women and a thriving free-market economy to the region by the end of the month.
President Obama has requested non-terrorists in the region to remove themselves to a place of safety for the next fortnight.
He continued: “There’s only one tried-and-tested way to get rid of radicals, and that’s bombing them from 30,000ft in the air.
“We’ve got plenty of experience in this area, trust us. You don’t go to war in Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iraq, or Iraq without learning a few things.
“Best of all, our work comes with the USA’s famous five-year guarantee.
“In the unlikely event that your region descends almost immediately into a hellhole of recrimination and infighting, we’ll get back to you with some more bombs as soon as we can.”