Airstrikes to solve everything

NEW US airstrikes on Syria will restore peace in the region with no further complications, rubble or death.

Precision bombing of ISIS targets is expected to bring democracy, rights for women and a thriving free-market economy to the region by the end of the month.

President Obama has requested non-terrorists in the region to remove themselves to a place of safety for the next fortnight.

He continued: “There’s only one tried-and-tested way to get rid of radicals, and that’s bombing them from 30,000ft in the air.

“We’ve got plenty of experience in this area, trust us. You don’t go to war in Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iraq, or Iraq without learning a few things.

“Best of all, our work comes with the USA’s famous five-year guarantee.

“In the unlikely event that your region descends almost immediately into a hellhole of recrimination and infighting, we’ll get back to you with some more bombs as soon as we can.”


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Spelling defunct

SPELLING words correctly no longer matters to anyone, it has emerged.

After years of abuse the English language has finally given up and allowed anyone to use any halfwitted spelling they like.

Oxford English Dictionary editor Denys Finch Hatton said: “‘Independant’, ‘loose’ meaning ‘lose’ and ‘pacific’ for ‘specific’. The barbarians are through the gates and spelling is over.

“A population that uses ‘hun’ and ‘bae’ to save their texting thumbs simply isn’t capable of understanding diphthongs.

“Most people seem quite happy just guessing how words are spelt, so logophiles like myself will just have to learn to live with seeing ‘rogue’ spelled ‘rouge’ and ‘necessary’ as ‘nessicery’ or some other fucking abomination.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Language is constantly evolving so there is no such thing as correct spelling, which I point out whenever someone questions the illiterate garbage I write.

“Spelling isn’t important as long as your meaning is clear. Shakespeare couldn’t spell and he done amazeballs word shit standard innit?”