Sunderland pub named Britain’s best for fighting

THE Mermaid’s Head, a no-frills Wearside boozer that specialises in delivering a proper hiding, has been named the nation’s best fighting pub by the Guardian.

The pub, in the fashionably edgy Marley Potts district, was chosen from over 500 of the roughest hostelries in the UK.

It was praised for its atmosphere of funky, seventies-style hostility, perfectly executed headlocks and an authentically grim car park, ideal for five-a-side brawling.

Guardian food writer Julian Cook said: “Gastropubs with their tedious micro-breweries and tiresomely eclectic menus have become as predictable as visiting a Harvester.

“We were searching for a British institution, the kind of pub where the locals have complicated relationships of aggression with each other but will nonetheless come together to fuck up a complete stranger.

“The Mermaid has everything – from the barking pitbulls on the flat roof to entering the toilet and waking up in A&E six days later.”

Tom Logan, proprietor of The Mermaid’s Head said: “We don’t serve food, we don’t serve coffee and we don’t serve gypsies. Do you want to make something of it?”


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My other half is begging me to reconsider

Dear Holly,

My marriage has been troubled for the past 300 years or so. I feel I’m left out of all the important decisions, I’m never allowed control of my own income and we’d both be happier if we split for good. However, my other half has suddenly started begging me to reconsider, has promised things will be better if we give it another go and even offered to give cross-dressing a try.  What should I do?


Dear Scotland,

Have you thought seriously about the effect this split will have on poor, sweet Wales and Northern Ireland? Do you not think all this bickering is taking its toll on their vulnerable young minds? You’re too busy fighting to notice but those two poor little countries cry themselves to sleep most nights. Try to keep any split as amicable as possible. Otherwise you’ll get called into school and asked to explain why young Wales went totally berserk in morning assembly, punched a hole in the wall of the school gym and took a dinner lady hostage for six hours.

Hope that helps,