Anger at EU ban on Wanky Shit Pudding

THERE was anger last night as European bureaucrats threatened to outlaw classic British puddings such as freckled ball bag and boiled arseholes.

A new Brussels directive will seek to end the UK’s exemption from dirty cake name laws, leaving establishments advertising old-fashioned favourites, including wanky shit pudding, open to prosecution.

Cafe owner Eve Evans said: “It’s political correctness gone mad. I raised my kids on things like wanky shit pudding, chocolate hard-ons and fuck-me-tarts. They’re great British treats.”

She added: “At the end of the day, a wanky shit pudding is basically a chocolate brownie with a blob of double cream on it. What do you think that looks like? Exactly – a shit that someone’s done a wank on. It’s plain common sense.”

Cafe customer Tom Logan agreed: “Wanky shit pudding is bloody lovely and wanking and shitting are the most natural things in the world. Likewise wanking onto a shit. And then eating it.”

Tony Harrison’s great great-grandmother Jean Trump invented wanky shit pudding, and first published the recipe in her 1832 bestseller Mrs Trump’s Fucking Big Book of Tasty British Puddings.

He said: “She was the first person to reject the thinly-veiled euphemisms of the 18th century such as steamed whoopsie and raspberry tinkle and introduce more honest, down to earth names like chuff trifle and fanny battered figs.

“By all accounts she was an indomitable old bird who, I am quite sure, would have been horrified at the prospect of some dirty foreigners fiddling about with her fondant beaver.”

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Obama To Meet Bulgarian Deputy Sports Minister

PRESIDENT Obama has cleared his schedule for a high level meeting with Bulgaria's deputy minister for sport

Mr Obama will meet Ivan Lekov at the United Nations later today to discuss Bulgaria's drive to improve table tennis facilities for the under 14s.

It is only the eighth time the two men have met, with the White House stressing it wanted to work with the Bulgarian department of sport to ensure there was a new, or nearly new, ping-pong table in every village within five years.

The meeting will also cover Bulgaria's bid to host the 2012 World Archery Championships and a joint project to develop a lighter and more environmentally friendly snooker cue.

A White House spokesman said: "We didn't know Mr Lekov was going to be in New York this week, so when the President bumped into him in the foyer we quickly threw something together. We're determined to pin down this ping-pong deal before the end of the year."

Following his meeting with Mr Lekov, President Obama is due to eat some chocolate biscuits, blow his nose, do a spot of light yawning and stare out the window for at least an hour while whistling aimlessly.

The spokesman added: "And that's why he doesn't have time to meet Gordon Brown."

Meanwhile Mr Brown last night attempted to sneak into Mr Obama's suite at the Plaza Hotel dressed as a Swedish massage therapist, but was easily spotted by Secret Service agents.

As he was dragged away and his blonde wig fell to the floor, Mr Brown shouted: "But I'm the World Statesman of the Year!

"ASK BONO!"