Bent Cucumber Kills Five
FIVE people were killed by a bent cucumber last night just hours after the European Union scrapped its controversial regulations on twisted fruit.
Police believe four of the victims stabbed themselves while trying to slice the cucumber, while one man may have died after a failed attempt to sit on it.
A police spokesman said: "We found four bodies next to the chopping board while the fifth victim was in the living room without his trousers and an expression that seemed to be a mixture of playful curiosity and impending doom.
"This cucumber was clearly so bent that no-one was sure how to even begin cutting it.
"They would have been coming at it from all angles and one by one each of them has managed to stab themselves in the stomach, the eye or in one case, the lower back."
The spokesman added: "The last victim seemed to be engaged in something beyond freakiness and I suspect we're all better off without him."
Conservative MEP Denys Hatton said: "This sort of carnage is inevitable when unelected bureaucrats go around releasing insane cucumbers and legalising carrots.
"My local Waitrose is now selling a butternut squash that is so deformed it may as well be a box of grenades."