PRIME Minister Gordon Brown is to have the union flag tattooed across his buttocks in a bid to rally the nation in the face of terror.
Brown wants Britain to look to the flag as a source of strength and believes his buttocks can bring "unity and a shared sense of purpose".
The Prime Minister said: "It is time to lead. Let my tattooed buttocks be your inspiration.
"Every time the terrorists threaten the values we hold dear, think of my raw, tender bumcheeks and what they represent."
Despite being terribly Scottish, Brown is a long-standing devotee of the flag and carries a very small Union Jack and miniature flagpole with him at all times.
One senior minister said: "Cabinet cannot start until Gordon has run his miniature flag up the miniature flagpole. Then we all have to stand and salute. It's a very different style of government."
The tattooist, Roy Hobbs from Bristol, said; "I tend to do a variety of celtic what-nots, or maybe the odd leaping panther.
"The Union Jack itself should be fairly straighforward. The unkown quantity is the size and consistency of the Prime Minister's buttocks."
"We will, of course, have to remove the existing tattoo which, for some reason, says 'hello sailor'."