Cabinet Minutes To Reveal Pre-War Blood Sacrifice

MINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood soaked voodoo ritual.

The High Court yesterday ordered the government to publish the historic records and release any animal parts that may have been kept.

One former minister said: "We based our deliberations on a classic central African goat sacrifice with a little bit of extra mogambo thrown in to keep the UN happy.

"The live goat was hoisted above the centre of the table while Patricia Hewitt stripped to the waist, painted a series of concentric circles on her belly and then grabbed a small, curved knife and slit the animal's throat.

"Everyone then had to take a mouthful of the blood and spit it at a picture of Saddam Hussein. Charles Clarke did it twice.

"Then [former attorney general Lord] Goldsmith sliced open the carcass and the entrails fell into the middle of the table.

"He began chanting and rearranging the intestines, spleen, liver and heart until they formed a special pattern which he said constituted the legal basis for a pre-emptive attack.

"The whole time Tony Blair just sat there with his eyes rolled back in his head, making this weird gurgling noise."

According to the source the cabinet then put their clothes back on and the meeting ended, as normal, with the ritual befoulment of international development secretary Douglas Alexander.

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Firm offers 'twats-only' activity holidays

A BRITISH travel firm is the first in the world to offer activity holidays guaranteed to be filled with twats.

Activities Abroad said the last thing a twat wants is to find itself on some stupid adventure holiday with people who are not utter twats.

This year the firm is offering a money-back guarantee that every trip will be filled with people named Ollie, Charlie, Harry, Benji, Zara, Tamara, and Cara.

A spokesman said: “During our two-week Lapland Twat-Fest you will sleep with the huskies, share their food and gulp down crisp, clean air so cold it will strip your windpipe and turn your eyes into useless blocks of frozen jelly.

“By day you will hang on for dear life as your sled is chased by a giant, psychotic moose and the urine soaks silently through your designer ski pants.

“By night you will sit around the campfire eating dog food and chatting with your fellow twats about how working for a big corporation really kills your soul and how it’s great to reconnect with nature in the company of complete twats.

“Think of all the stories you will be able to tell at your twat-filled dinner parties, as you pass round photos of you in a wooly hat and a pair of wraparound shades looking like such an unbearable twat.”

Twat holidaymaker Ollie Roberts added: “The word ‘holiday’ is not even in my vocabulary, apart from when I tell people that.

“My best trip so far was being parachuted half-naked into a Slovenian forest where I spent two weeks eating bear droppings and living in a ditch filled with rotting vole intestines. Best £17,000 of my father’s money I’ve ever spent.”