Cabinet Minutes To Reveal Pre-War Blood Sacrifice
MINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood soaked voodoo ritual.
The High Court yesterday ordered the government to publish the historic records and release any animal parts that may have been kept.
One former minister said: "We based our deliberations on a classic central African goat sacrifice with a little bit of extra mogambo thrown in to keep the UN happy.
"The live goat was hoisted above the centre of the table while Patricia Hewitt stripped to the waist, painted a series of concentric circles on her belly and then grabbed a small, curved knife and slit the animal's throat.
"Everyone then had to take a mouthful of the blood and spit it at a picture of Saddam Hussein. Charles Clarke did it twice.
"Then [former attorney general Lord] Goldsmith sliced open the carcass and the entrails fell into the middle of the table.
"He began chanting and rearranging the intestines, spleen, liver and heart until they formed a special pattern which he said constituted the legal basis for a pre-emptive attack.
"The whole time Tony Blair just sat there with his eyes rolled back in his head, making this weird gurgling noise."
According to the source the cabinet then put their clothes back on and the meeting ended, as normal, with the ritual befoulment of international development secretary Douglas Alexander.