David Cameron has drawn up secret plans to boost his popularity with an island-based war.
A leaked Downing Street memo details the scheme, codenamed Operation Worked For Maggie.
According to the document, members of the prime minister’s local Conservative Association, many of whom are in their seventies, would be parachuted into the unfashionable holiday destination.
Those who survived the drop would seize control of key amenities while wearing green overalls and talking with ‘foreign sounding accents’.
The document states: “In making the case for war, claim that the island could launch an attack on London within two and a half hours, providing the hovercraft and trains are running as advertised.”
Following the declaration of war, Cameron would make Churchillian speeches and be photographed pretending to drive a tank.
Brigadier Tom Logan said: “The ‘battle’ to retake the Isle of Wight would go without a hitch, the loss of half a million conscripts from council estates and Labour voting families notwithstanding.
“A good winnable war for a holiday destination still relatively popular among elderly voters could unite a nation torn apart by fuel and snacks.”
The leaked memo also lists several other strategies for boosting the prime minister’s popularity.
They include ‘bogwash Clegg live on BBC2’, ‘be photographed in a vest with a spanner, fixing an old Datsun’ and ‘sex tape with Rhianna’.