Cameron to invade Isle of Wight

David Cameron has drawn up secret plans to boost his popularity with an island-based war.

A leaked Downing Street memo details the scheme, codenamed Operation Worked For Maggie.

According to the document, members of the prime minister’s local Conservative Association, many of whom are in their seventies, would be parachuted into the unfashionable holiday destination.

Those who survived the drop would seize control of key amenities while wearing green overalls and talking with ‘foreign sounding accents’.

The document states: “In making the case for war, claim that the island could launch an attack on London within two and a half hours, providing the hovercraft and trains are running as advertised.”

Following the declaration of war, Cameron would make Churchillian speeches and be photographed pretending to drive a tank.

Brigadier Tom Logan said: “The ‘battle’ to retake the Isle of Wight would go without a hitch, the loss of half a million conscripts from council estates and Labour voting families notwithstanding.

“A good winnable war for a holiday destination still relatively popular among elderly voters could unite a nation torn apart by fuel and snacks.”

The leaked memo also lists several other strategies for boosting the prime minister’s popularity.

They include ‘bogwash Clegg live on BBC2’, ‘be photographed in a vest with a spanner, fixing an old Datsun’ and ‘sex tape with Rhianna’.



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April Fool's Day used as cover for cull of stocky men

THE government has executed thousands of thickset men following an announcement that was construed as an April Fool’s Day stunt.

Appearing on the April 1 edition of BBC One’s Sunday Morning Live, prime minister David Cameron described how his deep-seated loathing of males with mesomorphic body types had escalated to the point where he simply had to have most of them killed.

Cameron said: “Whenever you’re watching the news, if there’s been a bad crime, most of the time it’s been done by someone with a neck wider than their head.

“Honestly. I’m being serious now. They’re like troglodytes or something.

“Therefore we are sending out the wagons today across the UK – soldiers with guns and dogs will be taking down the stocky. The aim is to reduce the UK’s stocky population by around 75%.”

Housewife Nikki Hollis said: “I was watching the show, tittering slightly at what I thought was Cameron’s typically half-baked stab at humour, when the doorbell rang.

“It was five men with body armour and rottweilers asking for the whereabouts of my husband Vince, who works nights as a bouncer.

“Without thinking, I said he was asleep upstairs. They immediately unleashed the dogs which bounded up to the bedroom and tore him to shreds.”

Civil rights campaigner Roy Hobbs said: “Well, it’s done now, isn’t it?

“I suppose it was all pretty ingenious.”