Mad Men knowledge amnesty declared

THE 30 journalists that are Mad Men’s entire UK viewership have given the rest of the population a five-day window in which to catch up.

The British Mad Men audience is a cabal of just over two dozen powerful journalists who can have anyone unable to recite Don Draper’s entire back story in reverse chronology beaten to death with a box set of The Brittas Empire.

But in a remarkable display of mercy, they have given the rest of the population until Friday to watch every episode and ask as many stupid questions as they like.

Inadequate TV viewer Wayne Hayes said: “Thank God for this opportunity to be cool. I’ve never watched Mad Men, but thanks to the endless acres of press coverage I frequently see Jon Hamm’s face superimposed over my wife’s when we make love.

“I know that it’s set in an advertising agency in the 1960s and that everyone smokes loads. And I know that there’s a woman in it who’s the same shape as a normal woman, and that’s apparently of huge significance.

“And I also know that because I don’t watch it, I am a drooling man-ape who doesn’t even deserve Holby City.”

TV critic Nathan Muir said: “If you haven’t been keeping up with Don Draper and the team at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, then you have completely failed to engage with the different, and yet wryly similar, zeitgeists of both now and the early 1960s.

Mad Men is the very essence of television. It is the single most important human invention since the wheel. Sorry, I meant The Wire.”



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Ferguson removes Dalglish mask

ALEX Ferguson has confessed that he has been managing Liverpool for the last 15 months.

After Liverpool’s defeat to Newcastle dropped them below an Everton team that cost less than one of Stewart Downing’s ineffective limbs, the cunningly-disguised Manchester United manager realised that he may have taken things too far.

Ferguson said: “I knew everyone with a Scottish accent sounded the same to youse lot, but I credited you with more sense than thinking Kenny would honestly let Jonjo Shelvey near a football for any other reason than selling one in the club shop.

“There have been times when it’s been difficult to keep an extremely sour-­looking straight face and I had to keep nipping to the toilets for a giggle during most of our transfer negotiations.”

The deception was revealed after latex-masked Ferguson felt that his aim of mid­table awfulness had been achieved, but some have questioned his logic of steering Liverpool to a League Cup this season.

Ferguson said: “The only way people know that you’re aiming for mediocrity is if you hit it, and a penalties win against Cardiff City in a competition even Sunderland rest players for is the very definition of footballing ‘meh’.”

Liverpool will appoint head coach Steve Clarke as caretaker manager once he has provided some ID proving he isn’t Gary Neville in disguise. The board also claims to have secured the services of Pep Guardiola for next season.

Wearing a hooded top and large sunglasses, Guardiola told reporters: “Aye, it’s proper banging I’m managing the bin dippers next season, I’m mad for it, me, our kid.”