VOLUNTEERS from across Europe are travelling to Ukraine to battle the Russian army. Obviously you’d love to but you can’t, because:
You’re needed on the home front
As a social media manager for customer-facing brands, all of which now have Ukrainian flags on their Twitter handles, you are doing essential war work. To be absent from your post would be a dereliction of duty.
You have a family
Even that Ukranian tennis player was torn between leaving his family and heading to the frontline. It’s finely balanced, and for you the scales juuust tip the other way. Obviously you care nothing for your own safety.
There’s no legal route
Liz Truss announced that people could and should go to fight, but as ever she doesn’t know what the f**k she’s talking about. There’s no legal route and without a visa you’d just end up getting deported. Otherwise you would.
You’d get in the way
Yes, the Ukrainian nail artists and motor mechanics currently taking up arms against the invader have no direct combat experience, but they’re just naturally hard-bitten. It’s the climate out there. You’d only drag an elite platoon of Ukrainian primary school teachers down.
You’re against war
Like Jeremy Corbyn, you believe all wars should stop. And the place to be calling for diplomacy, negotiation and dialogue is not the battlefield but from 1,200 miles behind the lines.
You might be too good
You’ve always feared that, like Jack Reacher or the Punisher, you’d prove to be so good at combat and such an efficient killer that the war would become your home and you’d never fit into civilian life again. You can’t take that risk.
They deserve to win this on their own
Ukraine is defining itself as a nation with this battle, just as Britain did with the Second World War. Is it really our place to be muscling in and saving the day again? They deserve their own glorious victory. Assuming they win.
You’re a coward
Having counted how many countries there are between you and Ukraine – five, six if you go via Belgium – you’ve decided the war won’t get anywhere near the UK. You’ll probably be alright and there’s no sense getting yourself killed. Spineless, but true.