End of Iraq war marked by beginning of Iraq civil war

AMERICA’S withdrawal from Iraq, which ends nine years of war, will be marked by a special civil war as soon as the last helicopter leaves.

There may be a barbecue

The end of the fragile peace maintained by coalition forces will be marked by spectacular heavy artillery fireworks and synchronised gunfire.

And the US military’s final “flag-lowering” ceremony will be followed by an inaugural “flag-burning ceremony”, during which the flags of various rival factions and political parties will be torched for the benefit of international television crews.

President Barack Obama, who came to office pledging to bring troops home, said on Wednesday that the military was leaving behind a “sovereign, stable and self-reliant Iraq”, displaying the blind refusal to face facts that has made him such a hit with voters.

Some Iraqis were cautiously optimistic, however. Commentator Omar Basil said: “Iraq has a long record of maintaining peaceful stability, provided you ignore the first Gulf war, the Iran-Iraq war, the brutal 35 year regime of Saddam Hussein and its attendant genocide and human rights atrocities, and the two coups that took place in the 1960s.

“That aside, it’s been plain sailing”.

Meanwhile, ordinary Iraqis have been wondering what to do with all the shit that American troops have left behind.

Taxi drover Ali Risn said: “In the areas around the former US bases you can see many heavy rock CDs, packets of Doritos and canisters containing something called ‘Proto Blast Mega Muscle drink’, which apparently helps you ‘get ripped fast’.

“The words ‘blast’ and ‘ripped’ make me think I don’t want to try it.”