Man visits Post Office without catching anything

A 38-YEAR-OLD male has confounded medical experts by visiting a post office in December without getting anything infectious.

It had been widely accepted among doctors that any trip to the post office in the busy pre-Christmas period would result in some form of virulent contagion.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Post offices are traditionally where sickly people go to cough and sneeze freely, because they’d rather not get their own homes covered in bacteria.

“These places also have a special etiquette whereby it is fine to stand up against a stranger, chest actually touching their back, and cough into their hair until you either feel better or drop dead.

“This combined with the lengthy queuing time makes a bacterial ‘perfect storm’ where you are certain to contract anything from mumps to the ‘Andromeda Strain’ of space flu.”

Despite this, father-of-two Tom Logan has developed no obvious symptoms in the week since going to post a book.

He said: “I was there for 45 minutes and counted at least 438 separate coughs, ranging from dry and wheezy to a thick catarrh-y sound like someone dragging an angry pig through mud.

“Probably I could’ve gone in the shorter, express queue but there was someone with visible leprosy spending twenty quid on Lucky Dip scratch cards.

“I keep thinking I feel something in the back of my throat. But maybe it’s just paranoia.”

Professor Brubaker said: “It’s possible he possesses some previously-undiscovered antibody.

“Interestingly he also seems to be immune to annoyance from those inane, superfluous video adverts for the Post Office that play on video screens above the counter, seemingly to raise awareness of the place that you’re already in. So maybe it’s a temperament thing.”




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Energy costs will only rise by £110 as long as it's really, really windy

CLAIMS that Britain’s green energy revolution will cost consumers thousands of pounds have been dismissed by people who believe it is going to be windy.

The Committee on Climate Change said that by 2020 the average increase in energy bills caused by renewable investment will be £110 because of all the wind that is definitely going to happen.

Chairman Lord Turner said: “The only problem we can possibly foresee is if it’s not as windy as we think it’s going to be.

“But that’s like saying ‘it’s not as sunny as you thought it was going to be’ or ‘it’s not as rainy as thought it was going to be’.

“Or ‘it’s really cloudy in August, what’s that about?’.”

The report was welcomed by the large energy providers who said that if they were going to pick a figure of out of thin air for how much more they felt like charging people then they would probably have chosen £110 as well.

Lord Turner added: “It’s not that green technology is, in itself, massively expensive, it’s that if it doesn’t actually work then you have to get the energy from somewhere else. Usually from people who aren’t very nice.

“So you end up with an expensive thing that doesn’t work all the time plus expensive energy from horrid people. And that is massively expensive.

“But it’s fine, because it’s going to be windy.”