Government announces moon-sized aircraft carrier

DEFENCE Secretary Philip Hammond has unveiled economy-boosting plans to build a gigantic, moon-shaped aircraft carrier.

The project will kickstart the moribund construction industry, halt defence lay-offs and confuse people into thinking it is not really an aircraft carrier at all.

Hammond said: “We will kidnap Harriet Harman and force her to watch as we obliterate Camberwell and Peckham. 78,605 voices will cry out in terror before suddenly being silenced, thus making it a marginal seat.”

But plans smuggled inside a small civil servant show that the aircraft carrier has several weaknesses, including an inability to launch Eurofighter Typhoon fighter jets and a really massive hole on the right hand side.