Government announces moon-sized aircraft carrier

DEFENCE Secretary Philip Hammond has unveiled economy-boosting plans to build a gigantic, moon-shaped aircraft carrier.

The project will kickstart the moribund construction industry, halt defence lay-offs and confuse people into thinking it is not really an aircraft carrier at all.

Hammond said: “We will kidnap Harriet Harman and force her to watch as we obliterate Camberwell and Peckham. 78,605 voices will cry out in terror before suddenly being silenced, thus making it a marginal seat.”

But plans smuggled inside a small civil servant show that the aircraft carrier has several weaknesses, including an inability to launch Eurofighter Typhoon fighter jets and a really massive hole on the right hand side.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Still not okay to attack banks who steal your house

IT is still not acceptable to use force against a bank that steals your entire house, ministers have confirmed.

As the government gave the go-ahead for the murder of thousands of under-educated men across Britain, justice secretary Chris Grayling stressed that you could only attack the person who is blatantly stealing from you if he is actually on your property.

Meanwhile, Mr Grayling confirmed the institutions that steal from you for precisely the same reasons as a burglar, will continue to enjoy the full backing of the law.

Sociologist Julian Cook said: “Like burglars, banks are lazy, selfish pricks who don’t want to work for a living. And like burglars, they would, given the opportunity, ejaculate into your wife’s underwear drawer and take a massive shit in the middle of your living room floor.

“Also, when dealing with a bank you feel the same sense of violation, the same sense of mortal threat and the same feeling that you are now covered in something ghastly that can never be washed off.

“And yet it is not okay to attack it with a baseball bat.”

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “Last week I confronted a burglar and shot him in the leg. While we were waiting for the ambulance he explained that he was stealing from me because he had lost his job after the bank refused to give his employer a loan.

“And then I explained to him that I was going to have to sell all the stuff that he was trying to steal so that I could pay the mortgage.

“We both felt so stupid.”