Alcohol ‘makes you better at everything’

CONSUMING large amounts of alcohol makes humans better at everything they try to do, scientists have discovered. 

Researchers at the Institute for Studies subjected themselves to a daily regime of heavy drinking, stopping only for cognitive tests and toilet breaks, while a control group was given Diet Fanta.

The results showed that alcohol improved the ability to perform a wide range of tasks including surgery, cooking, playing sports, accountancy and being a research scientist.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Traditionally, alcohol was believed to improve ability at a limited range of tasks, such as driving, approaching women in pubs and making amazingly large fry-ups at 3am.

“But we found that after six pints of cider we were able to remove each other’s kidneys and put them back, before designing and constructing a small, eco-efficient housing estate.

“Also, we were able to have sex for hours without ejaculating.

“Meanwhile, we quickly realised that the Fanta drinkers were just a bunch of arseholes.”

But Brubaker said there was a striking difference between the cognitive effects of alcohol on men and women. He added: “More than 70% of women became much better at applying make-up, but beyond that it was mostly to do with masturbating strangers on budget airlines.”

Brubaker believes the research could change Britain’s previously ambivalent attitude to alcohol and could even lead to drinking being made compulsory in schools, hospitals and petrol stations.




Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mass demonstrations in support of Ashley Cole

ALL police leave has been cancelled this weekend ahead of mass demonstrations in support of Chelsea defender Ashley Cole.

Cities up and down the country are expected to witness the largest protests held in peacetime as hundreds of thousands of activists express their fury at the charges brought against Cole by the Football Association.

Last night saw candlelit vigils in Manchester, Birmingham and Glasgow, while in North London, where Cole is held in deep affection, there was a unique ecumenical gathering of Christians, Jews and Muslims to offer prayers.

Meanwhile, the Ashley Cole Appeal Fund, set up to provide financial support for the defender should he challenge the FA decision, has raised more than £5 million in just 48 hours.

Eleanor Shaw, who set up the Fund, said: “I’m a single parent with four children trying to get by on disability benefits. Life is hard but it’s always been a comfort to know that Ashley Cole wasn’t being disrespected. And now, this.

“The people of Britain have a message for the FA – ‘We are all Ashley Cole now’.”

Such is the strength of national feeling that teenager Wayne Hayes was sentenced to six months in jail for gross offensiveness after posting on Facebook:  “If you ask me, Ashley Cole is the real twat LOL.”

Cole biographer, Roy Hobbs, said: “There are some athletes who transcend sports and become truly universal, iconic figures of love and affection. Muhammad Ali achieved that to a small extent but he scarcely compares to Ashley Cole.

“Truly, he is the people’s left back, the left back of all our hearts.”

He added: “Some modern footballers are spoiled, obscenely overpaid, scruple-averse self-pitying egotists wedged so tightly up their own sphincters that they exist entirely in the element of their own, self-pumped shit.

“But Ashley Cole’s not like that at all. That’s why everyone loves him.”