CONSUMING large amounts of alcohol makes humans better at everything they try to do, scientists have discovered.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies subjected themselves to a daily regime of heavy drinking, stopping only for cognitive tests and toilet breaks, while a control group was given Diet Fanta.
The results showed that alcohol improved the ability to perform a wide range of tasks including surgery, cooking, playing sports, accountancy and being a research scientist.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: Traditionally, alcohol was believed to improve ability at a limited range of tasks, such as driving, approaching women in pubs and making amazingly large fry-ups at 3am.
“But we found that after six pints of cider we were able to remove each other’s kidneys and put them back, before designing and constructing a small, eco-efficient housing estate.
“Also, we were able to have sex for hours without ejaculating.
“Meanwhile, we quickly realised that the Fanta drinkers were just a bunch of arseholes.”
But Brubaker said there was a striking difference between the cognitive effects of alcohol on men and women. He added: “More than 70% of women became much better at applying make-up, but beyond that it was mostly to do with masturbating strangers on budget airlines.”
Brubaker believes the research could change Britain’s previously ambivalent attitude to alcohol and could even lead to drinking being made compulsory in schools, hospitals and petrol stations.