Iraq report could be damaged by frost, claims Chilcot

IF the Chilcot report into the Iraq War is released before the general election it could be killed by a late frost, it has been claimed.

Inquiry chairman Sir John Chilcot revealed that, following advice from the country’s top gardeners, the report had to be kept in a box until ground temperatures had risen sufficiently.

He said: “If I release it before the middle of May it could die. Or I could die. What I’m saying is that something could definitely die.”

TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh added: “There’s a difference of opinion about whether politically sensitive reports about wars need lots of darkness or lots of light.

“My view is they should be pruned heavily and then buried inside a south facing wall.

“But then again, I do actually work for MI6. The gardening’s just a front.

“I could kill you with this trowel and make it look like an accident.”


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Cows to get minimum wage

BRITAIN’s bovine milk suppliers are to receive a guaranteed income for their bodily secretions.

Each cow is to be paid between £3.79 and £6.50 an hour, depending on age, for producing milk and will get the weekend off so they can go down the shops and spend it.

Fresian Susan Traherne said: “The big supermarkets had been squeezing us too hard, literally as well as figuratively.

“Giving the money direct to us it means we won’t be ripped off by the farmer and he can carry on living in his big house, apart from when we need it for parties.”

British businesses, keen to take advantage of almost two million cows with a disposable income, are already launching high-heels for hooves, cow make-up and every Friday night is Grass Cocktail night at Wetherspoons.

Calf Tom Logan said: “It’s good they’re getting paid but, like many young bulls my age, I don’t want to hang around some boring farm my whole life.

“I’ve taken an apprenticeship in a slaughterhouse and from there, they tell me, I’ll be going to supermarkets across the UK.”