State school alumni dominating the boring menial jobs sector

MORE must be done to stop state school pupils monopolising all the repetitive low-paid jobs, it has been claimed.

Old Harrovian Tom Booker said: “People like me long to experience the realness of working long shifts in the oily atmosphere of a fast food franchise, or stacking shelves in a supermarket at 3AM, but we don’t have the contacts or the grasp of ITV-related chit-chat.

“If you go into any fast food establishment in any UK city, guaranteed the fryer baskets are being manned by a former comprehensive pupil. Same with biscuit factories, and even call centres.

“In the meantime I have to make do with a shitty Guardian column and a three-book deal with Faber & Faber.”

Burger van operative Mary Fisher said: “My mum worked in a Wimpy but I never even mentioned that in my interview because I was worried about nepotism.

“I got here on my own merits, because I can stand up for 14 hours in a hot van without passing out.”

Pie factory labourer Tom Booker said: “Unfortunately our sector is run by a cabal of working class people and I cannot see that changing. There is no room for upper class people, literally in fact because they are too tall to stand up straight in our refectory.

“Obviously they want to be me but life is unfair and sometimes dreams must stay dreams.”

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Mirallas unsuccessfully tries to park Baines’s car

EVERTON midfielder Kevin Mirallas has damaged team-mate Leighton Baines’s car after deciding to park it for him.

Arriving at Everton’s Finch Farm training ground, Baines stopped his car to trade bawdy, unsophisticated smalltalk with a group of teammates.

Mirallas then stunned colleagues by demanding to park the vehicle for him “because he is shit hot at cars”.

Everton defender John Stones said: “To be fair to him, Kevin’s shown a decent command of the clutch, but he’s pulled the car just too wide and missed the space altogether, clipping my Ford Focus.

“It’s not that Kev’s a bad driver, in fact it’s quite the opposite he’s one of the best at the club. He’s more or less the only one us who knows how to get into fifth gear.