Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After The Sun got rid of Page 3, you look forward to them getting rid of the other 59.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In a cross-party focus group to look at ways of attracting female, BME and working class voters, your suggestion of ‘Don’t be a horde of pricks’ gets a cool reception.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
So far, so good for dry January. The 21st. Not including wine.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not forget all your worries and watch your favourite Bond film? YOLT.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Remember, bad dreams aren’t real, they’re just your subconscious sketching out scenarios that have every chance of occurring in the near future.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you think you have the skills and mindset required to become a Royal Marine, for Christ’s sake join the army or you’ll end up in jail.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not spice up the workplace by inserting pages into the printer tray that have ‘a nobhead says what?’ pre-printed at the top?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A massive asteroid will hurtle close to earth on Monday, pausing briefly to flip you the finger on its way past.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Nothing makes you hide behind your sofa like a really scary horror film. Except for that gang you owe twenty large to, perhaps.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Waking with the icy light of dawn announcing itself through the bedroom curtains, you look out on a town dusted under a fresh layer of snow, like a slumbering swan, and think what a bastard it’s going to be to make a clean getaway while burgling.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Another good session at the gym. You didn’t even make a straining noise when you opened your water bottle.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medi-diabetic, you say? Oh.

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Churchill clone actually a bit of an arse

A JURASSIC Park-style clone of Winston Churchill has made Britons realise that the WW2 prime minister may have been an arse.

Scientists had hoped the clone would apply his legendary leadership skills to modern Britain, but he has mostly spent his time drinking port and planning daredevil missions for the RAF.

Government scientist Julian Cook said: “As a keen imperialist, cloned Winston was alarmed by the ISIS takeover of Iraq, or as he calls it, ‘the Mesopotamian native uprising’.

“However his solution was to bomb the entire region into submission with poison gas and install a colonial governor whose sole qualification was having been to Eton or Harrow.

“We also had a close call with a one-day teacher’s strike when it turned out cloned Winston was planning to send in the army and test out a new type of armoured car.

“And I’m sure his vast intake of champagne and brandy affects his judgement. It would certainly explain the memo ‘Atomic space dreadnoughts and robot-man cavalry to establish Mars bridgehead?’”

Insiders said cloned Churchill had also ruffled feathers with comments about women being “too dainty” to vote and a plan to replace the ‘Bolshevik’ NHS with “fresh air and exercise”.

Cloned Churchill said: “People keep interrupting my speech-writing with nonsense about house prices, tuition fees and interviews with some insufferable little man called John Humphrys.

“That will change when I tell the Commons about my plan to recapture Australia.”