Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
After The Sun got rid of Page 3, you look forward to them getting rid of the other 59.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In a cross-party focus group to look at ways of attracting female, BME and working class voters, your suggestion of ‘Don’t be a horde of pricks’ gets a cool reception.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
So far, so good for dry January. The 21st. Not including wine.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not forget all your worries and watch your favourite Bond film? YOLT.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Remember, bad dreams aren’t real, they’re just your subconscious sketching out scenarios that have every chance of occurring in the near future.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you think you have the skills and mindset required to become a Royal Marine, for Christ’s sake join the army or you’ll end up in jail.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Why not spice up the workplace by inserting pages into the printer tray that have ‘a nobhead says what?’ pre-printed at the top?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A massive asteroid will hurtle close to earth on Monday, pausing briefly to flip you the finger on its way past.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Nothing makes you hide behind your sofa like a really scary horror film. Except for that gang you owe twenty large to, perhaps.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Waking with the icy light of dawn announcing itself through the bedroom curtains, you look out on a town dusted under a fresh layer of snow, like a slumbering swan, and think what a bastard it’s going to be to make a clean getaway while burgling.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Another good session at the gym. You didn’t even make a straining noise when you opened your water bottle.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medi-diabetic, you say? Oh.