It not clear whether soldier sleeping on street undercover or just homeless

A SOLDIER sleeping rough is either deep undercover or a victim of official neglect, it has emerged. 

Corporal Tom Logan, of 22 SAS Regiment, spends his days begging outside a train station, either as part of official strategy to thwart a potential terrorist attack or because untreated PTSD has seen him lose his home.

Passerby Donna Sheridan said: “He’s doing a very good impression of a homeless person, with his troubled expression and his bottle of Frosty Jack’s.

“If I were a terrorist, I’d assume this was just more evidence of the West’s impending collapse rather than part of an effective and considered defence strategy.

“The government is really taking this threat seriously, because there’s former soldiers who look like they’re homeless everywhere you look.”

A government spokesman said: “The amount of ex-servicemen sleeping rough is handy, because it means the undercover ones can easily blend in.

“Plus our operators learn many valuable skills that will help them in their post-army careers, such as improvising a comfortable bed from cardboard.”

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Massive dickhead weirdly successful with women

A GROUP of office workers is genuinely puzzled by the relationship success of a total dickwad they work with, it has emerged. 

Colleagues cannot comprehend how sales executive Tom Booker consistently attracts girlfriends despite his seemingly female-unfriendly interests of cars, Maxim magazine and fart-related humour.

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “He once talked to me for 15 minutes about his new tyres without noticing I’d put my earphones in.

“Weirdly though I quite like him, even though I hate myself for it. Maybe it’s a masochistic thing.”

Fellow colleague Martin Bishop said: “My theory was that Tom behaves totally differently in front of women he wants to impress, but I’ve seen him trying to chat someone up by asking ‘What’s your best Top Gear episode?’.

“Also his sense of humour exclusively involves farts. If you find the expressions ‘silent but violent’ or ‘letting off an eggy one’ completely hilarious he’s your dream date.

“I guess his appeal is one of those unsolved mysteries of life, like the Bermuda Triangle or how they built those Inca temples.”