Britons demand right to keep f**king up and not get sacked

WORKERS should have the same rights as politicians to completely bollocks things up and not lose their jobs, they believe.

Incompetent people feel it is unfair that they keep getting fired while politicians like Theresa May and Michael Gove are hardly affected by monumental fuck-ups.

Jobseeker Roy Hobbs said: “Last week I smashed £3,000 of TVs with my forklift and immediately got the sack, but Theresa May knackered a whole election and just got a ticking off.

“She was pretty bad at being prime minister from day one but I haven’t seen her at the so-called Jobcentre Plus being made to do a pointless ‘work skills’ course.”

Former teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I was forced to leave teaching due to being quite crap at it, but Michael Gove didn’t have to leave for being absolutely abysmal as education secretary.

“All I did was make a few children fail their GCSEs, but he was going to stuff up the entire system by making all the good teachers leave and only teaching kids about the sinking of the Bismarck. Now he’s been given a better job after stabbing Boris in the back.

“If there was any justice he’d be working in a factory like me. He’d be utter shit at it and somehow still get promoted to manager.”

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Woman likes everyone except other women

AN EASYGOING woman has confirmed she likes everyone except other women of roughly the same age.

31-year-old office worker Mary Fisher can get on with pretty much anyone, unless they are female in which case she gives them evil vibes.

Fisher said: “I’m always up for a laugh, especially with all the male colleagues that I maintain a weird semi-flirtatious friendship with.

“I just don’t really like selfish people, time wasters or other women.”

Fisher recently clashed with new colleague Nikki Hollis, because Hollis asked her if she wanted a cup of tea. Fisher explained: “On the surface it might seem like an innocent question, but I could tell she had a hidden agenda.

“The way she put the emphasis on tea it was clear she thought I drank lots of hot drinks because I’m either lazy or greedy, if you can be greedy for hot drinks.

“Some people are just like that. But I’ll give anyone a fair chance as long as they’re male, a kid or over 60.”