Whole table living in fear of which wine rich friend going to order

A TABLE of restaurant diners is terrified about which wine their rich friend is planning to order.

Stephen Malley has been working in recruitment for the past five years and, after a series of large pay rises now takes home enough to not have to automatically order the house wine.

Fellow diner Tom Booker said: “Last time we met up, Stephen studied the wine menu with the same intensity he used to peruse the Hot or Not website at university.

“Eventually he ordered three bottles of £42 Pouilly Fumé ‘for the table’ and then we all ended up splitting the bill.

“I know for a fact there was a bottle of red on there for £12.95 which would have been technically drinkable.”

Friend Eleanor Shaw added: “I couldn’t give a shit if 2005 was ‘a good year’ for Burgundy. As a teacher, I’m being priced out of our friendship.”

Carolyn Ryan, who selected the venue because it was both affordable and near her flat, commented: “I don’t even want to think about how many sides he’s going to order.

“And then I bet he’ll want to leave a generous tip. I don’t even know why we’re still friends with him, he’s a wanker.”

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Theresa May: I say 'getting on with the job' and 'nobody wants another election' now

AS YOUR prime minister it is my duty to inform you that, following last week’s election, I will be saying two new things. 

As you remember I fought the campaign by saying ‘strong and stable’ and ‘coalition of chaos’ and I had fully hoped to continue saying them for a further five years.

However, an event I refuse to acknowledge has forced certain changes, and so I will now have to repeat two different things in all speeches, interviews and debates.

The new phrases, ‘getting on with the job’ and ‘nobody wants another election’ are just as vacuous and deeply ironic as the old, though regrettably less alliterative.

I look forward to repeating these words, with the same intonation, whenever called upon to speak as will all other Conservative MPs. I expect them to be immensely successful.

Thank you. I must now get on with the job. Nobody wants another election.