Waitrose shopper kicks off over lack of artisan crispbreads

A WAITROSE shopper kicked right off because the supermarket ran out of her favourite Peter’s Yard artisan crispbreads.

41-year-old Emma Bradford was angered to discover that the highly specific sourdough crispbreads her husband likes had been replaced on the shelves by another sort of expensive, pretentious cracker.

Without bothering to explain what exactly she wanted, Bradford asked a member of staff: “Excuse me? Where are they?”

After establishing what she meant, worker Wayne Hayes explained that unfortunately those artisan crispbreads were out of stock at the supplier, but that similar products were available.

Bradford replied: “I don’t want fucking similar products. I need Peter’s Yard artisan crispbreads. They are what my husband likes with his special cheese that comes in a cloth bag.

“We have cheese after dinner. You wouldn’t understand.”

Resisting the urge to tell Bradford to get fucked, Hayes suggested Bradford try ordering the crispbreads online, at which point she gave him a dirty look and stormed off to have a free coffee and read a magazine article about curtains.

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Corbyn supporter unveils plan to get over himself

A CORBYN fan has announced plans to get over how amazingly right he was within the next 18 months. 

Tom Logan, who voted for Corbyn in both leadership elections and is now suffused with a pure and virtuous glow, unveiled his three-stage timetable to stop being insufferably smug yesterday.

He said: “I was right and everyone else was wrong. Let’s underline that first.

“I believe it is realistic to cease lording it over close friends and family like an utter cock within the next six months, though this is an aspiration rather than a binding target.

“Within a year I’ll only be arrogantly pious in the office when relevant to the conversation and I’ll stop humming The Red Flag on trains.

“And by 18 months’ time I hope to finally have stopped abusing strangers for ever having doubted the Decent One on Twitter. Though two years is probably more realistic.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Last Friday wasn’t about young people, it was about self-satisfied Mac owners who work in open plan offices. It’s enough to make you toss your vote away on the Lib Dems.”