Naked Attraction and TikTok dances: Six things brave conscripts will be fighting for

LIKE their ancestors, today’s potential brave young conscripts will be fighting for what makes Britain great. And that includes these beacons of freedom and democracy.

Naked Attraction

Thoughts of rolling green fields and chocolate box villages were what kept Tommies going during the living hell of the trenches. For the conscripts of the near future, a dating show where contestants judge the naked bodies of total strangers will be their reason to keep fighting. They’ll probably keep a picture of a penis in a locket around their neck as a poignant reminder.

A broken housing market

The utterly ruined housing market is one of the many things that make Britain great and worth fighting for. If you’re somehow lucky enough to get on it then you’ll have a home for life, unless interest rates unexpectedly spike and you’re forced to move back in with your parents in your mid-30s. Only a Russian spy or a traitor would not want to pay the ultimate price for it.

Shit public services

This country’s public services might be terrible, but they’re our terrible public services. As a nation we take pride in the charming ways our trains are never on time, and the quintessential Britishness of being unable to get a dental appointment. Plucky young conscripts are surely champing at the bit to fight for this hallowed way of life, which is admired the world over.

TikTok dances

A world without TikTok dances scarcely bears thinking about. What would be the point in carrying on if teens couldn’t floss to an audience of millions? Expect conscripts to record their own moves on the front line like a war poet frantically scribbling down verses. Future generations will then study these dances in school and sombrely realise the futility of both war and life itself.

The Nintendo Switch

The Nintendo console might be long in the tooth, but Tears of the Kingdom proved there’s still life in the old girl yet. Do you really want Putin to march his troops over here and destroy the hundreds of hours you poured into Super Mario Odyssey? Of course not. But if able-bodied men refuse to pick up a gun and head to Moscow, that’s exactly what could happen.

Domino’s Two for Tuesday

Sometimes the world can feel like a desolate place. Netflix has cracked down on password sharing and the Caramac bar is being discontinued. But there’s still a weekly discount on Domino’s pizzas, which is more than enough reason to join the army. At the setting of the sun, we will remember those brave souls killed in the name of a Veggie Volcano and a Mighty Meaty for just over £20.

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Perfect cup of tea has a wank in it

THE perfect cup of tea is only achieved by a gentleman ejaculating into it, an American scientist has claimed.

Professor Carolyn Ryan of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology believes she has, after a tour of West Country tea rooms where she was rude and overbearing to the staff, found the secret to the perfect cuppa.

She said: “Obviously you need to heat the cup, use loose leaves, and only put warm milk in once the tea has been poured and brewed. That’s not too much trouble, because it’s not like you’re having multiple cups of tea a day.

“But there was something else I was missing. An extra taste that counteracted the bitterness and gave the cup an extra salty savour. A bracing freshness that sets the taste-buds tingling.

“It seemed it could only be found, paradoxically, in tea rooms where I’d found fault. Anywhere I’d demanded a better seat, complained about a dirty table or asserted that I didn’t have all f**king day served me tea that was simply divine.

“Eventually I peeked into the kitchen and saw my server jerking off directly into my tea. I had found the secret ingredient. Now I won’t drink a tea without it.”

Office worker Ryan Whittaker said: “Gonna make a brew. Anyone?”