Sunday, 18th April 2021

Seagulls and pensioners meet in Eastbourne to finish things once and for all

THE two opposing forces in Britain’s seaside towns have agreed a bloody showdown to sort out who is boss once and for all. 

Seagulls and the elderly have had an uneasy truce since 1996, when beachside towns and cities were divided to keep the lucrative tourist market alive, but relations have broken down after a series of skirmishes and retaliation attacks.

82-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “They had the chip shops, piers and seafront. We had the bus stops, arcades and Tesco Metros. But they’re greedy. They want it all.

“If they’re going to come, they’d better come tooled up. My mobility scooter’s fully charged and I’ve got two sticks. Game on, you yellow-beaked bastards.”

Seagull Wayne Hayes retorted: “We’ve let these old f**kers get away with too much for way too long.

“Morecambe is ours. Margate is ours. Seaton Carew is ours. They’ll be going back to their sheltered housing in ambulances, mate.”