Seagulls and pensioners meet in Eastbourne to finish things once and for all

THE two opposing forces in Britain’s seaside towns have agreed a bloody showdown to sort out who is boss once and for all. 

Seagulls and the elderly have had an uneasy truce since 1996, when beachside towns and cities were divided to keep the lucrative tourist market alive, but relations have broken down after a series of skirmishes and retaliation attacks.

82-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “They had the chip shops, piers and seafront. We had the bus stops, arcades and Tesco Metros. But they’re greedy. They want it all.

“If they’re going to come, they’d better come tooled up. My mobility scooter’s fully charged and I’ve got two sticks. Game on, you yellow-beaked bastards.”

Seagull Wayne Hayes retorted: “We’ve let these old f**kers get away with too much for way too long.

“Morecambe is ours. Margate is ours. Seaton Carew is ours. They’ll be going back to their sheltered housing in ambulances, mate.”

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Team-building day unites staff in hatred of team leader

A COMPANY team-building day has bonded a team in mutual hostility toward their kn*bhead of a team leader, they have confirmed. 

The communications team at Harwood Finance are closer than ever after the day of outdoor activities in the Cotswolds and have a new determination to make the life of team leader Susan Traherne a misery.

Stephen Malley said: “In many ways it was like a terrorist training camp in the mountains of Afghanistan. Every bullsh*t activity radicalised us further.

“I’d never really talked to half the people there, but by the end of our first group abseil it was clear that like me they hated group bonding events, despised the company and blamed Susan for everything.

“It was amazing to see the spirit of fellowship it inspired to know that each and every one of us was getting through that rainstorm by focusing on how much we despised her and how one day we’d have our revenge.

“By the time we said goodbye we were brothers, all ready to lay down our lives for the cause of ruining Susan’s life. It was a great success.”

Susan Traherne said: “I’m fairly sure I’ve overheard some very ambitious plans to frame me for embezzlement that would require them to really pull together and work as a team. So proud.”