Five ways to avoid talking to parents at the school gate

DO YOU dread the school run in case you have to talk to the awful parents hanging around the school gate? Here’s how to dodge them: 

Be late every day

The perfect excuse to push through the gossiping crowds, turning up just as the teachers are locking the doors means no forced chats about whose eight-year-old is the highest achiever. Okay, you’ll have to sign the late book, but ‘because I’m an anti-social bastard’ is a perfectly valid reason for tardiness.

Become an outcast

Convince the other parents you’re a psychopath and they’ll avoid you at all costs. Carry a couple of dead squirrels hanging from your belt, say you don’t give a f**k about the SATs or simply admit you voted Leave and you’ll have a nice clearance zone around you until that sweet whistle blows.

Suit up

Wear business clothing and look like you’ve got somewhere really important to be. That way when you brush all attempts to engage on the subject of lost school ties aside, everyone will assume you’ve got a key meeting, not that you’re rushing home to watch Judge Rinder with tea and toast.

Screen time

Stare at your mobile phone continuously. If anyone tries to talk to you tell them to put it on the Parents WhatsApp group, which you’re not a member of. This also ensures you’re leading by example and teaching your children how to have a healthy social life in 2019.

Join the PTA

Everybody wants to moan about the quality of their children’s education, but nobody actually wants to sacrifice a weekday evening to doing something about it. Joining the PTA will make everyone terrified to talk to you in case you trick them into running the tombola at the Christmas Fayre. They’ll never bother you again.

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Trump spends ten minutes with Johnson and is in deep sh*t already

PRESIDENT Trump has spent three years getting away with murder but after ten minutes with Boris Johnson is now getting impeached. 

The president, previously thought to be untouchable, made the mistake of sharing a press conference with the UK calamity yesterday and now faces impeachment proceedings because the bad luck rubbed off.

A White House source said: “We told him to stay well away from that assh*le. Guy’s a jinx.

“Seriously, we’ve got a president who gives handjobs to Russia, screws porn stars, builds imaginary walls with Mexico and backs white terrorism and walks away without a scratch. It’s his only skill.

“But he had to push it, so he takes a meeting with the pariah of Europe who’s suddenly getting caught for everything he used to get away with, and the curse jumps right across.

“Impeachment? Just for what, making military aid to the Ukraine dependent on smearing his opponent? That crap would have just washed off before.

“Johnson’s a Jonah. We’re cutting all trade ties with Britain immediately. They’re Iran to us now.”