Sunday, 9th August 2020

Has anyone ever f**ked things up as quickly as Boris Johnson?

AFTER two months as prime minister, Boris Johnson has lost his majority, every Commons vote and his prorogation. But has anyone been worse faster? 

Iain Duncan Smith

The Conservative leader between 2001 and 2003, Duncan Smith was deposed by his own MPs when they decided he would probably even f**k up losing an election. A big backer of Brexit and coincidentally the last Tory leader to be elected by their rabid, frothing membership until the current one.

Kelly Brook on The Big Breakfast

Kelly Brook, or 32E Kelly Brook as she was known at the time, was awarded a job where all she had to do was smile prettily while Johnny Vaughan did all the work and couldn’t even do that without f**king it up. Killed the show in six months, which is six months longer than she lasted as a judge on Britain’s Got Talent. 

Sam Allardyce

Given his dream job as England manager when the FA had pretty much given up, Allardyce then proceeded to p*ss on his chips with exacting thoroughness by drinking a pint of wine and talking sh*t to undercover journalists. Still blames everyone else.

Darth Maul

Trumpeted as a major villain, with his double-ended lightsaber and flashy somersaults, Maul killed one elderly Jedi before being cut in half and thrown down an exhaust shaft in his first appearance. In the worst film.

God

Spent five solid, useful working days creating the heavens and earth and all the marvellous creatures thereof. Then came in on a Saturday when he obviously didn’t want to, created Man, buggered off for a rest, and look what’s happened since.