Has anyone ever f**ked things up as quickly as Boris Johnson?

AFTER two months as prime minister, Boris Johnson has lost his majority, every Commons vote and his prorogation. But has anyone been worse faster? 

Iain Duncan Smith

The Conservative leader between 2001 and 2003, Duncan Smith was deposed by his own MPs when they decided he would probably even f**k up losing an election. A big backer of Brexit and coincidentally the last Tory leader to be elected by their rabid, frothing membership until the current one.

Kelly Brook on The Big Breakfast

Kelly Brook, or 32E Kelly Brook as she was known at the time, was awarded a job where all she had to do was smile prettily while Johnny Vaughan did all the work and couldn’t even do that without f**king it up. Killed the show in six months, which is six months longer than she lasted as a judge on Britain’s Got Talent. 

Sam Allardyce

Given his dream job as England manager when the FA had pretty much given up, Allardyce then proceeded to p*ss on his chips with exacting thoroughness by drinking a pint of wine and talking sh*t to undercover journalists. Still blames everyone else.

Darth Maul

Trumpeted as a major villain, with his double-ended lightsaber and flashy somersaults, Maul killed one elderly Jedi before being cut in half and thrown down an exhaust shaft in his first appearance. In the worst film.

God

Spent five solid, useful working days creating the heavens and earth and all the marvellous creatures thereof. Then came in on a Saturday when he obviously didn’t want to, created Man, buggered off for a rest, and look what’s happened since.

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I outrank the Queen, claims Rees-Mogg

JACOB Rees-Mogg has asserted that as Leader of the Commons and England’s greatest living Victorian, the Queen is his servant. 

The member for North East Somerset brushed aside accusations of impropriety following yesterday’s court decision by suggesting that, if anything, Her Majesty should be apologising to him.

He said: “Her bloodline’s only been on the throne since 1714. Arrivistes.

“I have no objection to her remaining as a figurehead for the masses, but be in no doubt as to where power truly resides in this nation. Not with the noveau riche Hanoverians.

“I shall visit the palace, though it’s more of a townhouse to one of my breeding, and once she’s finished her bowing and scraping I will inform her that her dynasty is over and it is time for the true ruler to step forward and lead.

“Then I shall unite the warring houses of Conservative and Brexit by announcing my marriage to Annunziata Rees-Mogg and begin the Empire anew.”

When reminded that Annunziata Rees-Mogg is his sister, the MP said: “Mm. I did say we would be doing this properly.”