Labour to abolish all posh people except Phoebe Waller-Bridge

THE Labour conference has voted that all posh people will be made into commoners with the exception of Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

The latest policy prounouncement means that aristocrats and their titles will be liquidated and their inheritances nationalised, apart from the Emmy-winning Fleabag writer and star.

Shadow chancellor John McDonnell said: “The landed gentry have been a scourge of the working man ever since the enclosures of the 13th century. But my God, when she turns to the camera it gets you right there, doesn’t it?

“It’s ending injustice, pure and simple. Which really is what Fleabag’s all about, so Waller-Bridge clearly gets it and she can stay and be made, I don’t know, a Baroness?

“Jeremy is more of a Killing Eve fan but there’s no argument that she simply owns television in 2019, even if she is plummier than a greengrocers’ in September.

“I can’t wait for her Bond film. He’s a misogynist colonialist relic and all that, but I bet she’ll make it brilliant.”

Prominent Labour figures are thought to be working on dispensation appeals for other posh-but-popular characters like Stephen Fry and Joanna Lumley, but have been warned they will probably get the guillotine.

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I will only give up when every person in Britain has personally told me to f**k off, says Johnson

BORIS Johnson has confirmed he will only end his premiership when every single one of the UK’s 65 million citizens has personally told him to f*ck off. 

The prime minister, who has already been told to f*ck off by the Supreme Court, the House of Commons and his own wife, said that as long as there is one person in Britain yet to say it his dream will not die. 

He added: “If you haven’t told me one-on-one directly to my face to go and f*ck myself then you’re a Boris supporter. It’s as simple as that. 

“Unless I am vehemently and profanely rejected by a voter in person, then they are assumed to back me to the hilt. Tweets don’t count. They’re probably ironic. 

“Sadly much of the population of London has delivered this message, usually as I cycle past, but the entirety of Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales, the North and everywhere else I’ve never visited has given me their full support.”

Following Johnson’s statement the population of UK has formed an orderly queue beginning outside his home and stretching the length and breadth of the country, with everyone patiently awaiting their turn.