THE fake news media is claiming Iran has somehow outwitted me, but they are very low-IQ people. Here’s why it was a great victory, probably the greatest ever.
We’re making billions from not firing missiles
You know how much a Tomahawk missile costs? $3.6 million. After the ceasefire we’re not firing hundreds of them and the money we’re saving is billions of dollars of pure profit going straight to us. Actually in my usual mad way can I change ‘billions’ to ‘trillions’? There. It’s trillions now. That’s even better.
We have massively reduced Iran’s drone fleet
Iran has been burning through its stock of $20,000 Shahid drones by attacking us and its neighbours. The drones are totally useless and pose no threat once they’ve detonated on an oil refinery or a $500 million AWACS plane. These guys are so dumb.
We will share in the tolls
I am setting up a ‘joint venture’ with Iran to collect tolls on shipping. Yes, I actually said that. I clearly stated that I’d like to extort money from the global shipping industry with the help of a terrorist regime. Is Iran likely to agree to that? I guess not, now I think about it. My brain just thought ‘Give me more money!’ and I decided it was a thing.
I took out Osama Bin Laden
At a press conference about Iran I reminded everyone that I took out Osama Bin Laden, one of the United States’ worst enemies. By ‘took out’ I meant ‘said he was a threat in one of my books although that is a lie and he was killed in a military operation I was totally unconnected to’. Yes, I practically pulled the trigger myself.
Iran cheated
In a fair fight, with our F-35s against obsolete Migs and Abrams tanks against Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps militia with small arms, we would have kicked their butts. But Iran cheated by concealing their drones and attacking targets that gave them the most leverage. In baseball if you cheat you forfeit the game, so I am declaring me the winner by default, which is the best kind of winning.
We neutralised the nuclear threat
Iran definitely had nuclear missiles ready to fire at our cities. Pete and the bald guy showed me a video of them testing one. Horrific, very horrific. You know what they call their missile? ‘Terminator 2’. These are sick people.
We achieved regime change
Long story short: we iced Khamenei and successfully replaced him with IRGC leaders who have exactly the same views and act in the same way, but with military training. These guys will be much easier to do business with. They’ll probably ask me to be Ayatollah.
