Spectre Of Spandau Ballet Returns To Haunt Britain

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith last night warned that Britain faced a serious and imminent threat from dirty bombs and Spandau Ballet.

But we're not really 'indestructible', are we Tony?

Smith said there were at least 200 active New Romantic cells across the country and claimed it was 'highly likely' Britain could fall victim to the sort of musical atrocity not seen since Gold!.

She told the House of Commons: "This government is not in the business of scaring people in a deliberate or cynical way, but once again we face the all-too-real threat of soft-focus videos set on luxury yachts.

"And while community support for Hadley, the Kemps, Le Bon and the Taylors has dissipated, their appalling acts still live-on in the minds of a disparate handful of tone-deaf fanatics."

Smith wants to train 60,000 workers to report evidence of New Romance, meanwhile police yesterday closed down a music shop in Knutsford after it was caught selling synthesisers with shoulder straps and banned copies of the sheet music for Rio.

Security analyst Roy Hobbs added: "The New Romantic Non-Proliferation Pact of 1994 was designed specifically to prevent a recurrence of chest-high bass guitars and men wearing eye-liner and silk sashes round their waists.

"Unless the government acts quickly we're facing Human League, we're facing Visage, and while I don't want to cause an unnecessary panic, we could be facing Ultravox."

David Bowie, often accused of being the originator of New Romance, said: "If I knew then what I know now, I'd have gone straight to my shit drum and bass phase."