THE RSPB surprised conservationists last night by calling for the immediate construction of a UK-wide network of gigantic bird mincers.
The society revealed it was backing the construction of huge windfarms because it had grown sick of birds, which it said were noisy, unhygienic and interested only in themselves.
According to its research only 2% of UK birds are currently being minced, compared to 15% in Spain, 20% in Germany and 29% in Denmark, the European leader in the shredding of protected bird species.
A spokesman said: "We aren't saying put up windfarms anywhere, we want them targeted where they will kill most birds, especially big ones like swans and Golden Eagles.
"We want a coastal network of large turbines to stop foreign birds and a mini-turbine on every roof to get the really annoying little ones like finches and tits.
"But what we'd really like is a load of radar stations to give us early warning of where the birds are, just like they had for the Luftwaffe during the Battle of Britain.
"Then we can funnel them in towards the turbines or – and this will require a bit of work – we can bolt some turbines onto a lorry and chase the bastards down."
The spokesman added: "It does mean we'll probably have to use the 'B' in RSPB for something else. We're thinking about 'Brians'."
The policy change follows the recent recruitment as chief executive of country sports enthusiast Brian Logan from the energy giant E.on.
Mr Logan said: "Have you ever seen an osprey go through one of those rotors? Helluva show – blood and beak parts everywhere. You'd pay good money to see that."