The Purge Begins

THE Prime Minister last night began the elimination of his enemies as he pledged to cleanse Britain of the virus of dissent.

Crowds cheered and threw rotten fruit at Conservative MP Damian Green as he was dragged from his bed in the early hours by the Prime Minister's anti-treason officers.

The traitor Green was questioned for nine hours before confessing. His whereabouts are now unknown though Downing Street said he was in a place where he could do no more harm.

More arrests are expected today as Mr Brown makes an example of all those who would seek to destroy our faith in his wisdom and kindness.

According to Downing Street the Prime Minister questioned Green personally and was able to secure the names of more than 20 co-conspirators after the application of electrodes and a small wet sponge.

A spokesman said: "Listen well, treacherous scum. We know where you live.  Do not try to hide from us. You will simply prolong your inevitable journey into the realms of pain."

He added: "All of those who have at any time questioned the Prime Minister's actions and judgement must surrender immediately.

"We can then begin the joyful process of re-ordering your thoughts and returning you to full productivity."

The people have welcomed the purge with many leaving bouquets and gifts outside Downing Street. Meanwhile primary school children in Reading have made a collage depicting the Prime Minister cuddling a baby horse.

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Not Just Indians Dead

THE number of people killed as a result of Indian terrorism who are not Indians rose dramatically last night.

Political leaders around the world expressed their horror at the international nature of the latest attacks and vowed to help India track down those responsible for killing non-Indians.

The violence brings the number of actual Indians blown to bits in the last three years to more than 700, but experts stressed this had caused only a small dent in the country's one billion population.

Dr Tom Logan, of the International Association of Analysts, said: "The shock at the number of non-Indians killed once again highlights the point that countries really are just a lot of bollocks.

"When you look at a satellite photo of the Earth it's not as if you can see big red lines all over the place and the word 'India' in huge, 500 mile-high letters."

Dr Logan added: "Let me put it this way – you know how in Star Trek there's no countries, it's all just planets?

"So it's not like the Spanish Klingons are at war with the French Vulcans. It's just Klingons and Vulcans and Romulans and Earthlings.

"Granted the Klingons are at war with everyone else, but it's a start."