Unexploded Plastic Bag Found In Town Centre

POLICE last night cordoned off an unexploded plastic bag in the centre of Norwich, as shoppers fled for their lives.

Bag decommissioning experts confirmed it was a medium-sized carrier from the local Sommerfield, with the potential to maim dozens of innocent people.

The bag was spotted by traffic warden Wayne Hayes as it wafted along the high street during the evening rush hour.

Hayes said: "I were frozen in terror. I thought we'd seen the last of these things. But there it was, just floating along on the breeze.

"I shouted out: 'bag! bag! bag!' and everyone just scarpered like. Except for this one little kid who ran towards it, almost as if she was trying to make friends with it.

"Lukcily, at that point, the police arrived and tackled her to the ground."

The bag then drifted up into the branches of a nearby tree which will now be destroyed in a controlled explosion.

A Norfolk police spokesman said: "This time we have lost a tree. The next time it could be your house, or your gran."

Prime minister Gordon Brown is expected to visit the scene later today when he will announce an extra £2 billion for a network of hi-tech bag-detecting CCTV cameras.

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Radiohead Unveil Plan For Low Carbon Groupies

RADIOHEAD will only sleep with groupies who can produce a valid bus ticket to prove they used public transport to get to the after show orgy, the band said last night. 

Singer Thom Yorke said having intercourse with six girls a night, all of whom had driven to the sex-party in their own car, was killing polar bears.

In future all band members would take turns with the best looking girl who had arrived on a bike, as long as she showered in between.

Yorke said: "If getting five people in the back of a limo isn't car sharing then I'd like to know what is.

"Ideally fans should walk to our gigs, though they will need to set off earlier otherwise they won't have time to buy a t-shirt."

He added: "Did you know Mick Jagger has two planes? One for him and one for his sex-groupies. That's a huge carbon fuckprint."

Yorke said the band was doing everything it could to minimise its impact on the environment, except stopping playing huge stadiums with electronically powered instruments.

He said: "We need to get the message over that climate change is killing our planet.

"What better way to do that than with dozens of huge amplifiers, multiple plasma screens and a laser show?"