Zawahiri to lead the three guys in his living room

AYMAN al-Zawahiri was last night named as the leader of the three guys sitting in his living room that everyone has agreed to call ‘Al Qaeda’.

He's whatever you want him to be

The man who served for years as number two to Osama Bin Laden in a five man organisation will now have absolute authority over the  trio of mildly bored jihadists who hang around a shitty, half-built safe-house that is definitely not owned by the Pakistani secret service.

According to MI6 sources there is the guy that runs the website, the guy that does the shopping and the guy who gives amazing back rubs and sorts out the Cup-a-Soups.

Intelligence experts said Zawahiri would now rule the world of terror through a tightly controlled network of complete lunatics who do whatever they want but use the term ‘Al Qaeda’ because it scares people and is not exactly trademarked.

Former CIA consultant, Wayne Hayes, said: “At last count there were about 614 Al Qaedas – Watford’s got seven – but crucially Zawahiri is now head of the Al Qaeda inside your brain.”

Mohammed Logan, a jihadist from Uzbekistan, congratulated Zawahiri, but added:”You do know that Al Qaeda is not really a thing in the way that actual things are things, yeah?

“It’s not even a franchise, it’s more of a nebulous concept that everyone is free to interpret differently and describe however they want.

“So yeah, he’s the leader of that. Well done.”

America has described Zawahiri as the ‘mastermind behind 9-11’ after forgetting they had already said that was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed which was why they have spent the last eight years sending a high voltage current screeching through his testicles.

The White House last night acknowledged Zawahiri’s career development before predicting he will soon be shot in the ear by Harrison Ford and then buried in outer space.