Anti-monarchist goes into work

AN anti-monarchist has refused to accept a day off for the funeral of a hereditary head of state and has gone to the office regardless. 

Helen Archer of Stevenage believes that to take part in a bank holiday costing Britain £2.3 billion in lost productivity would be hypocritical, so has arrived at work for a full day’s print management.

She said: “Just an ordinary day as far as I’m concerned. Someone I don’t know’s being buried. So what.

“I’ve arrived at 9am, got security to let me in, then gone back and got them to turn off the alarm system that had been left on by some bloody Royalist, and now I’m sat here, cracking on.

“None of the emails I sent Friday have been answered, none of the clients are available, I haven’t really got much to do but that’s not the point. The point is I’m here.

“Why wouldn’t I be? There’s nothing else happening. If you’re so into people who do their duty no matter what, get to work.”

After four unproductive hours Archer will go for lunch only to find all the shops are shut, she is unable to even get a sandwich and security have locked her car behind the barrier and clocked off.

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How to respectfully get off your tits tonight

TOMORROW is an historic day of national mourning. Mark the occasion appropriately by getting deferentially drunk: 

Start at 11am

To show you’re thinking of the Queen and not camouflaging day drinking, knock back your first at 11am. If anyone asks, this is your way of setting a 24-hour countdown to bidding Her Majesty one final farewell. Down a drink every hour on the hour to maintain the pretence.

Ditch Paddington and marmalade sandwiches

Follow Buckingham Palace’s strict orders by shunning Paddington and marmalade sandwiches this side of the funeral. Cuddly toy bears are cute but have zero alcohol content so are of no use to you today. And marmalade sandwiches are a terrible stomach lining and could jeopardise your mournful piss-up.

Dress appropriately

Black suit and tie for the gents, black dress and netted veil for the ladies. Not only is it traditional and appropriate at this sad time, but black clothes don’t show up spillages or stains when you drop a forkful of dhansak. Given you will be too pissed to walk straight by early evening, this feature will get plenty of use.

Play fitting music

Forget the National Anthem. It’s a painful reminder of the changing monarchy and it’s too much of a dirge to get properly leathered to. Instead crank up the Sex Pistols’ God Save The Queen, Royals by Lorde, and anything by Queen. The Queen loved Queen.

Stay up late

Her Majesty’s reign was the longest ever, apart from some French prick who cheated by starting when he was five. Salute her indefatigability by pushing your own drunkenness further into the night than you’ve ever managed before. 6am would be a fitting tribute, 9am even more so.