Anything to do with computers: Five jobs parents will never understand

MANY modern jobs are bullshit, but your parents are still weirdly incapable of understanding what you do for a living. Here are five jobs they will never get their heads around.

Anything to do with computers

Unless it’s the computer that cracked the Enigma code, your parents won’t understand. You could try to explain the concept of data entry with sock puppets and they still won’t get it. Despite thinking your job is nonsense they’ll expect you to instantly solve their computer problems, like when they washed it with hot, soapy water.

Therapist

Back in your parents’ day, men didn’t have emotions and women took out their frustrations by burning the dinner as God intended. Ironically, it’s the effect of this repression that’s keeping your therapist in business, and you secretly hope your folks never discover the benefits of talking about their feelings.

University English lecturer

Dad will remind you that he’s perfectly capable of speaking English without having to give lectures about it to a room full of girls, thank you very much. Mum will pretend to understand while secretly wishing that you taught something more impressive with an ‘ology’ in the title.

Whatever people do in offices

Parents tend to think of white collar jobs as little more than going to meetings and spouting corporate jargon. And while they’re right a lot of the time, they’ll never grasp that you might be doing something economically productive rather than just carrying pieces of paper around for no reason.

YouTube unboxer

Your dad may ask why you haven’t tried to make a fortune with this racket yourself. You’ll try to explain that you’ve got too much integrity to do this flakey non-job, before asking if your old boxed Castle Grayskull is still in their loft.

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We will vaccinate our hamsters before we give spare vaccines to you, Hancock tells EU

THE health secretary has told the EU that British cats, dogs and hamsters will get the vaccine before they consider shipping spares across the channel.

Matt Hancock responded to the EU’s vaccine shortage by promising that every dose of British vaccine would be used on British soil, no matter how wasteful.

He said: “We have left the EU. We owe the EU nothing. These vaccines are British and they will be injected into Britons on British soil to fight the British variant of the coronavirus.

“My countrymen will be having their second dose of the vaccine. They will have a third dose for good measure. If anyone wants a fourth dose, to be broadcast live on the BBC so Europe can see it, they will get one.

“After that, it is the turn of good British pets. Our dogs first, because a faithful canine companion is worth any six Frenchmen, then our cats, then our budgies, tortoises, goldfish and hamsters.

“If we still have vaccines left then it will be the turn of the trees. The steadfast English oak, of course, then the beech and the elm. And after the trees, the insects.”

Emer Cooke, head of the EU Medicines Agency, said: “I explained that without vaccines, the pandemic would continue. He sang ‘Two World Wars and One World Cup’.”

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