A MIDDLE class man is readying himself to chat with a car mechanic by studying football fixtures and practising casual swearing in the mirror.
With his car’s MOT due in just two months, Julian Cook has begun an intensive training regime in case he has to make small talk with garage employees.
Cook’s wife Emma said: “He’s listening to 18 hours of TalkSport a day and keeps calling me ‘geezer’. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was muttering in his sleep about VAR. He’s really making an effort.
“When I suggested he could use the time better by learning to fix the car himself, he insisted it was more important to ‘build a rapport’.
“Christ, I hope he doesn’t say that when he gets there.”
Cook said: “Whenever we go to Tuscany I like to swot up on the old Italian phrasebook, so it only seems right I brush up on a few lines of blokeish repartee – sorry, I mean, ‘top banter’.
“At the end of the day, I just want my motor done up proper so I don’t get stopped by the Old Bill. The only three points I want to pick up are against the opposition at the next home game, am I right?”