Middle class man revising for conversation with car mechanic

A MIDDLE class man is readying himself to chat with a car mechanic by studying football fixtures and practising casual swearing in the mirror.

With his car’s MOT due in just two months, Julian Cook has begun an intensive training regime in case he has to make small talk with garage employees.

Cook’s wife Emma said: “He’s listening to 18 hours of TalkSport a day and keeps calling me ‘geezer’. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was muttering in his sleep about VAR. He’s really making an effort.

“When I suggested he could use the time better by learning to fix the car himself, he insisted it was more important to ‘build a rapport’.

“Christ, I hope he doesn’t say that when he gets there.”

Cook said: “Whenever we go to Tuscany I like to swot up on the old Italian phrasebook, so it only seems right I brush up on a few lines of blokeish repartee – sorry, I mean, ‘top banter’.

“At the end of the day, I just want my motor done up proper so I don’t get stopped by the Old Bill. The only three points I want to pick up are against the opposition at the next home game, am I right?”

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Six ways Boris Johnson will f**k up his friendship mission to Scotland

THE prime minister is visiting Scotland today, which inevitably means he will insult and alienate an entire nation. Here’s what to expect. 

Some ‘our two nations’ bollocks 

Johnson will desperately try to find some common bond, fail, and just end up offending everyone. Probably something like: ‘South of the border we love your funny little Scottie dogs, Scotch eggs, and in the great city of Liverpool, they like heroin too!’

A photo opportunity away from angry Scots

Johnson is guaranteed to turn up in an extremely niche business run by a Tory that is not representative of the Scottish economy, eg. a luxury yurt manufacturer. Crucially the staff will have been threatened with the sack if they cause trouble, and will stand there with weak, frightened smiles as if it’s a visit by Kim Jong-un.

Trying to be edgy 

Like the overgrown sixth-form twat that he is, Johnson will be unable to resist trying to be edgy. It won’t be ‘watermelon smiles’ in Scotland, but expect something like: ‘I’m here to battle for Britain – not win the Battle of Culloden!’ He will then think he is very clever. 

Ignoring Scotland

At a press conference, either Laura Kuenssberg or Robert Peston will ask about the death rate back in England, then act like nodding dogs as Johnson assures them ‘We are on top of it, on top, we could not be on-topper’ and Scotland is completely forgotten.

Blathering accompanied by hand gestures

Wrongly believing he is the master of winging it, Johnson will keep jabbing his fists in the air while spouting meaningless platitudes like: ‘Better together is the foundation of the union. Better. Together. Yes. Our union!’ 

An unfortunate incident

The moment Johnson meets the actual Scottish public, a harmless-looking old lady will wander over and say ‘You’re a f**king posh gobshite. We remember the poll tax ya [expletive deleted].’