Ten months in the life of a lockdown sceptic

SINCE last March, Denys Finch Hatton has been warning that lockdowns never, ever work. This is his last ten months: 

March 2020: “This illiberal lockdown will achieve nothing but wrecking our economy. The coronavirus will spread regardless while we devolve into a race of cowardly mole-people.”

June 2020: “I wanted to go for a pint yesterday and I could not. Why? Because of a mere virus which doctors outside of the cosy medical establishment have assured me has caused zero deaths. Yet six pub landlords have committed suicide on my street alone.”

July 2020: “Now infection rates have fallen, the people of Britain should join together and agree never to accept lockdown again. There will be no second wave. There was never a first.”

August 2020: “Nations still operating lockdowns, like New Zealand or Vietnam, can present no medical evidence. They are sliding into dictatorship while the UK breathes free with Covid vanquished from our shores.”

October 2020: “What our country needs now are not further local lockdowns but courage to stand up, look this disease in the eye and take it on. Closing pubs? Pubs are the vital engines where we build the herd immunity that will save us all.”

November 2020: “This nonsense lockdown is an ill-considered knee-jerk reaction to statistics that are misunderstood lies peddled by charlatans and communists. How is it that with no medical qualifications I can see that, but doctors cannot?”

December 2020: “Yet another lockdown is over and infection rates have barely dropped. No matter what the government says, I shall be celebrating Christmas with around 40 friends and I have invited the actor Laurence Fox.”

January 2020: “If asked at the outset, every person in Britain would have accepted 100,000 deaths as a small price to pay for our way of life. No question. And I say that without fear of consequence, because for people like me consequences are as imaginary as Covid.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Make £££s fast by becoming a Tory party donor

LOOKING for new opportunities? Want to make cash fast, no questions asked? Simply become a Conservative party donor and fill your boots. Julian Cook explains how: 

Get that donation over NOW

If you can afford £200,000 or more, great, but government cronyism is so rampant £75 is worth a punt. You’d be a fool to miss out on building a Boris Bridge across the river Trent because a loft insulation firm from Crewe got there first.

Set up a company

It doesn’t really matter what; a couple of barely-profitable burger vans would do. Once you’re a donating businessperson you’ll be awarded a huge contract to supply all school dinners in the UK, or possibly logistics for the entire British army.

Spend time with your local Tory

Donations traditionally include activities with prominent Tories, for example playing tennis with Dominic Raab, so there’s a transaction of sorts and it looks less like a bribe. Other good places to find Tories include landowners’ associations and company board meetings.

Be mates with Matt Hancock

If you’re tight or skint just befriend Matt Hancock, whose pub-owning neighbour got a contract for Covid kit. It’s unlikely Hancock turns down any offer of friendship because, let’s face it, he was Billy No-Mates at school and still got bullied at university.

Don’t worry about f**king up

After receiving a lucrative contract you have no chance of fulfilling, eg constructing five aircraft carriers in your garage, don’t stress. When you utterly faily to fulfil the contract your friends in the Conservative party will cover it up and a national emergency fund called ‘taxpayers’ will foot the bill.

Get a knighthood

There’s no better way to disguise failure than pretending it’s success. An honour from the Queen settles everything and opens up new earning potential in the future, so make it clear that’s part of the deal. Make people call you ‘Sir Dave’ and get new contracts on the back of it. Win-win.