Showering together a pain in the arse, couples admit

COUPLES across Britain have agreed that showering together is neither satisfyingly sexy or cleansing. 

Bored couples attempting to share showers to boost their love lives are emerging from them unaroused, unwashed and irritated with each other.

Hannah Tomlinson said: “You know how in the shower, it’s lovely and warm when you’re under the spray and freezing when you’re out of it? Turns out when there’s a six-foot bloke in there with you there’s quite a lot of ‘out of it’.

“We were doing the whole lathering each other up thing at first, but those cubicles are not spacious, the steam was rising, and I accidentally headbutted him when I was pushed against the cold tiles.

“To make up for it I did a bit of caressing, you know, to get us going. Which is when the water turned scalding and I had no option but to use him as a human shield.

“In the end he did the gentlemanly thing, got out and stood there shivering while I had a proper wash. The whole experience was nothing but a hassle.”

Tomlinson added: “I think we’ll try kissing in the rain instead, which is meant to be dead romantic. I’ll text him to meet me outside Home Bargains next time it lashes down.”

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We f**ked up everything we could, Johnson tells Britain

THE prime minister has told Britain that it f**ked up every key decision and strategy to battle Covid it was in its power to f**k up. 

Boris Johnson apologised to the nation for not f**king up even more, going on to list all of the f**k-ups in the last 10 months that have led us to 100,000 dead.

He said: “First of all locking down too late, our primary f**k-up which has cost so many lives and which I am proud to say we have now achieved three times.

“And though we’re a long way from those days we also f**ked up supplying PPE, obtaining ventilators, and opened Nightingale hospitals we couldn’t staff because we fired all the nurses.

“Lockdown compliance was forever f**ked up by my good friend Dom Cummings, and let’s not forget to give full credit to Dido Harding for f**king up test-and-trace.

“Once the first wave had passed we prepared for a second with Eat Out to Help Out, encouraging a return to work and sending students to university. So even when we weren’t f**king up, we were planning for f**k-ups in the future.

“And, in a series of recent f**k-ups that have put us right where we are, we opened all the shops, allowed Christmas mixing and sent kids back to school for one day. All in one month.

“If there are areas where this government has not yet f**ked up – for example, vaccines – all I can do is say that I am deeply sorry and please, give us time.”