YOUR boss, or your toddler? Screaming for grapes or for quick wins on the board before the AGM? Find out which is which:
You need to convince them of something straightforward that’s in their own best interest. Do they:
A) Furiously refuse to consider it until you’re screaming with internal frustration, give them the spoon, and coax them into thinking it was their idea all along
B) Put forward nonsensical counter-arguments until you’re screaming with internal frustration, write them a Powerpoint, and coax them into thinking it was their idea all along
Do they have a bizarre yet unwavering faith in made-up bollocks?
A) Yes, unicorns, the tooth fairy and a multicoloured toy rabbit called Jasmine
B) Yes, the multicoloured pie charts in the five-year strategic plan
You get them something they really wanted. Do they:
A) Scream ’Don’t want it!’, go red and furious, make you wonder if they need medication or a shit, and it turns out to be a shit
B) Scream ’It’s not how I wanted it!’, go red and furious, make you wonder if they need medication or a shit, and demand you email a new version by 6pm
Do they talk obsessively about something that is utter crap?
A) Yes, if I hear about all the different things Ben 10 can turn into again I will die
B) Yes, if I hear about ‘bringing your whole self to work’ again I will die, especially as I can see into your office and know your authentic self picks her nose
Do they force you to do things they could quite clearly do themselves?
A) Yes: carrying them down the road, plus the scooter, and your bag and an infant sibling
B) Yes: carrying them in executive board meetings when their scheme’s gone tits up, plus doing the budget, all presented as a ‘development opportunity’
Do they have a ridiculous, juvenile rivalry with someone close to them?
A) You have to physically weigh out cake otherwise they and their sibling will kill each other
B) You have to time conference presentations with a stopwatch so the head of marketing doesn’t get longer, and if they’re not cced into emails they throw tantrums
Mostly As: It’s your toddler: a warm-hearted, wayward but essentially good miniature human who just needs teaching what’s what. Like Peppa Pig is crap and those two bits of cake are the f**king same size.
Mostly Bs: It’s your boss, who possesses the cold, dead heart of a zombie snake and just needs teaching what’s what. Like that expenses claim is embezzlement and he should be in jail.