NOT understanding the offside rule is for amateurs. Try these questions to get your football-loving companion truly enraged:
Which one’s Mo Salah?
A simple yet infuriating question to kick things off. Match their impatient clarification of Mo Salah not being English by pointing out Liverpool is in England. Watch them become increasingly annoyed and their forehead bead with sweat.
Why are there three lions on the shirts then?
A good one to bring in during a free kick. A difficult discussion about the history of England’s livery and emblems, and the point at which patriotism slides into nationalism, will really wind them up.
They have VAR so why are you shouting that it’s wrong?
Mentioning VAR is always an easy shortcut if you want to see a vein pop after a goal has been disallowed. Add that you believe constantly pausing the game for maximum accuracy really improves the sport and they’ll start fantasising about throttling you.
So is this part of the European Super League?
A back-up in the chance that they have no strong feelings on VAR. Brace yourself for a long, angry rant about the game’s rich heritage and the death of football as we know it, even though the ESL has been canned.
Just what did happen in the Balkans?
The minutes are ticking on and your companion is boringly calm, but do not lose hope. Start hassling them with the nitty-gritty of late 20th century conflict, preferably when someone from England has the ball.
Is that dirt on the screen?
Both you and the game are into injury time so it’s time to pull out your silkiest moves. Thoroughly investigate and clean a smear in the corner of the screen, ensuring that the back of your head is all that can be seen during the precious final moments of the match.