Six actual, real, genuine upsides to Brexit

THE sunlit uplands Boris Johnson and the Tories promised were a lie. Obviously. It’s Boris Johnson. But there are genuine upsides to Brexit: 

No Brexit shit’s happening

Remember the second half of 2019? Johnson setting ‘dead in a ditch’ Brexit dates and missing them, bullshit warnings on motorway signs, proroguing Parliament and fury at the speaker? All that’s done with and thank God, because it achieved precisely f**k all.

We can all agree it’s crap

Only the most ardent political Brexiters are still bothering to mouth falsehoods about its benefits. Everyone else, even its supporters, are now happy to admit there are no positives, it’s going to be dog-rough and we’re all in it together.

Bye-bye Nigel

The stained-teak face of Nigel Farage, shoved in our faces for 15 bloody years like he was a fugitive daytime gameshow host gone rogue across the news, is gone. He still tries but, pleasingly, he’s made himself irrelevant and nobody gives a toss.

Second-home owners are furious

Ponce off to your villa in Tuscany every summer? Keep a houseboat in Amsterdam? Regularly fly to Venice for lunchtime Bellinis in Harry’s Bar? This has f**ked you right up and that’s funny for the rest of us. Enjoy your immigration queue, dicks.

Vaccines worked out okay

It’s very much ‘even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while’ but not being in the EU queue for vaccines was actually to our benefit. We still have the highest death toll in Europe despite being an island, but little victories.

Remainers have gone

Remember that four-year political identity we all suddenly embraced after years of not giving a bugger? ‘All the opportunities our children will miss out on’ we preached while inwardly thinking ‘Man, customs will be a faff’ and ‘Hey, I wasn’t expecting to lose that referendum so it doesn’t count’.

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Dog and bone - smartphone: A guide to gentrified Cockney rhyming slang

MOST genuine Eastenders have been displaced by coffee outlets and tech startups. So how has Cockney rhyming slang changed?

Dog and Bone

Original: Telephone Gentrified: Smartphone

East London is teeming with twats clutching the latest trendy smartphone. Landlines are – as a displaced Cockney might say – brown bread.

Duke of Kent

Original: Rent Gentrified: Buy-to-let rent

Maximising your income streams through renting out the second home your parents bought for you is crucial for any self-respecting London dweller.

Jam jar

Original: Car Gentrified: Hybrid electric car

Seeing as you pay around £20,000 per annum for on-street parking, you may as well flaunt your financial and moral superiority with an electric car.

Clever Mike

Original: Bike Gentrified: Brompton Bike

All bicycles should cost north of £1,000, be ‘easily collapsible’ but always give you a nasty pinch, and make you look like a prick when cycling.

Gates of Rome

Original: Home Gentrified: Sicilian holiday home

It’s only a small villa, but it offers such a reliable Plan B when you can’t be bothered to fly out to the Caribbean for your holidays.

Rattle and clank

Original: Bank Gentrified: Blue chip investment bank

You’re going to need somewhere to put all your money once the ethical vegan meal delivery service you started in a Hoxton basement gets floated on the stock market for several million pounds and you become a massive sell-out.

Strange and weird

Original: Beard Gentrified: Obligatory f**king beard

If you are male and live in East London, it’s the law to have a beard. Even though it feels like male facial hair fashion should have moved on by now, it seems that beards are here to stay.

Forsyte Saga

Original: Lager Gentrified: Aga

If you were going to have a drink it would be microbrewery craft ale, but actually what you most aspire to for enjoyment now you’ve made some cash is a move to the country and a ridiculously expensive oven.