THE sunlit uplands Boris Johnson and the Tories promised were a lie. Obviously. It’s Boris Johnson. But there are genuine upsides to Brexit:
No Brexit shit’s happening
Remember the second half of 2019? Johnson setting ‘dead in a ditch’ Brexit dates and missing them, bullshit warnings on motorway signs, proroguing Parliament and fury at the speaker? All that’s done with and thank God, because it achieved precisely f**k all.
We can all agree it’s crap
Only the most ardent political Brexiters are still bothering to mouth falsehoods about its benefits. Everyone else, even its supporters, are now happy to admit there are no positives, it’s going to be dog-rough and we’re all in it together.
The stained-teak face of Nigel Farage, shoved in our faces for 15 bloody years like he was a fugitive daytime gameshow host gone rogue across the news, is gone. He still tries but, pleasingly, he’s made himself irrelevant and nobody gives a toss.
Second-home owners are furious
Ponce off to your villa in Tuscany every summer? Keep a houseboat in Amsterdam? Regularly fly to Venice for lunchtime Bellinis in Harry’s Bar? This has f**ked you right up and that’s funny for the rest of us. Enjoy your immigration queue, dicks.
Vaccines worked out okay
It’s very much ‘even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while’ but not being in the EU queue for vaccines was actually to our benefit. We still have the highest death toll in Europe despite being an island, but little victories.
Remainers have gone
Remember that four-year political identity we all suddenly embraced after years of not giving a bugger? ‘All the opportunities our children will miss out on’ we preached while inwardly thinking ‘Man, customs will be a faff’ and ‘Hey, I wasn’t expecting to lose that referendum so it doesn’t count’.