Child taken into work with Daddy discovers that he does f**k all

AN eight-year-old who went into the office with Daddy for the morning has discovered that he does nothing but chat about football. 

Jenny Logan, who sees father Tom return home every evening too exhausted to play with her, was afraid to witness the terrible physical labours her father must endure but instead watched some men engage in banter about the United game.

She said: “Is that it? Walking purposefully between cubicles and sending a few emails? I work harder than that at school and I do sod-all.

“I thought he’d be heaving mightily against some enormous machine, or running frantically around, or at the very least converting decimals to fractions without a calculator.

“Instead he just basically seems to hang out assessing Solskjær’s chances next season, eating the leftover sandwiches from the big meeting upstairs, and once in a while sends an email.”

Tom Logan said: “Yeah, Jenny’s had her first taste of the working world. Think it’s given her new respect for her old dad. Keeps looking up at me, then shaking her head in disbelief.

“‘Enjoy school while you can, love. Soon you’ll be a wage slave like me,’ I told her. She laughed, but it was hollow.”

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The crap teacher's guide to surviving teaching

TALENTED, hardworking teachers are struggling to cope with long hours and excessive workloads. But what about Britain’s many thousands of crap teachers?

Tom Logan, who only went into teaching for the long holidays, gives his advice.

Teach a subject that’s obsolete

You knew when you were at school which subjects didn’t matter, and you know now. Ideally woodwork or metalwork. Let’s face it, no-one gives a toss how bad your teaching is when the last person in Britain making dovetail joints was replaced by a machine in 1960.

Meet pupils halfway

Make lesson plans simple and engaging. My pupils really enjoyed ‘Can you draw a dog?’, although I admit it’s not clear where it fits into the GCSE maths syllabus.

Manage your workload effectively

There isn’t time to mark every piece of work in detail, so let the child’s parents be your guide. If they look like they’ll make a fuss? Give the kid high grades. If they don’t give a shit? Low grades. It’s less work for you and perpetuates the British class system.

Learn to delegate

Classroom assistants are great people, but have you thought about delegating discipline to the school thugs? I’ve found Liam Horton and his mates will enforce a brutal reign of terror for a very reasonable fee paid in Lambert & Butler and white cider.

Use good teachers as camouflage

When skilled, motivated teachers can’t cope then it’s easy to pretend you’re one of them and your poor teaching is due to an impossible workload, not because you spend morning lessons hiding in the store room with a hangover.

Remember you’re pretty much unsackable

Teachers are leaving the profession in droves, while no new teachers are joining. Hence you’re pretty much unsackable. It’s a great morale boost going into work every day knowing you only have to maintain the most basic professional standards, eg not shagging a sixth-former.