Company holds productive meeting by accident

A COMPANY has admitted a productive meeting was held in their offices by accident.

Employees confirmed the meeting began and ended on time, the video conferencing software worked and no-one talked out of their arse at any point.

Martin Bishop said: “No-one needed to pop out for a coffee, or to get a chair, or to go looking for that f*ckwit Martin who said he’d just be a minute but perhaps didn’t know what room we’d ended up in.

“Then, someone had a clear objective and we all discussed it and agreed on next steps, without anyone talking bollocks for half an hour.

“It was quite traumatic actually. I had to take the rest of the day off and recover by having a nice, soothing wank while ‘working from home’.”

Woman who refused large glass of wine knocks back four small ones in five minutes flat

A WOMAN who said she had better not have a large glass of wine was quite happy to get hammered on a sh*tload of small ones.

Emma Howard, who opted for a smaller measure ‘to be sensible’, went on to spend the evening downing 125 ml Chardonnays like shots of tequila. 

Emma’s husband Tom said: “I told her it would be cheaper to order herself a whole bottle but she insisted there was ‘no way’ she’d be able to drink an entire bottle of wine.

“Then 16 ‘small’ glasses later she has polished off the best part of a bottle and a half. By the glass.

“She did the same with dessert. She said she couldn’t possibly manage one but then somehow managed to eat half of mine.”

Emma said: “Those glasses seemed so small. It must be some sort of optical illusion. How clever.”