Five ‘out of office’ emails you’d like to leave for the b*stards at work

DO you wish you could be brutally honest in your ‘I am out of the office’ email when you go on holiday? Here are some suggestions.

Hi. I am out of the office now and cannot get involved in stupid office politics. So if Suzanne has left a dirty mug in the sink again I suggest you f*ck off and get a life, or call 999 and let the police deal with it.

Hi. I am out of the office now, so take your boring business bullsh*t and stick it up your a*se. Literally. Put your dreary Powerpoint presentations on an external hard drive and ram them right up your jacksies.

Hi. I am out of the office now and unable to listen to your sh*t-for-brains conversations. This includes the the sales lads’ depressing ‘bantz’ about ‘munters’ and anal sex, and also Maureen’s drivel about how accurate her psychic is.

Hi. I am out of the office now. Please go to hell if you are one of the following:

● Some idiot from an office supplies company who will not accept that I am not the person who bulk buys handwash for the toilets; 

● A teenager asking about work experience who then never replies after I’ve spent ages making enquiries and sending them the right contact details, you little sh*t;

● The idiot who keeps ringing me even though I have explained 15 times this is not a cab firm. 

Hi. I am out of the office now. I am drinking wine and eating the best sardines ever. I am never coming back and have decided to become a Portuguese fisherman. This may not be the right career decision, but it is better than listening to Gavin’s golf anecdotes.