Five 'out of office' emails you'd like to leave for the bastards at work

DO you wish you could be brutally honest in your ‘I am out of the office’ email when you go on holiday? Here are some suggestions.

Hi. I am out of the office now and cannot get involved in stupid office politics. So if Suzanne has left a dirty mug in the sink again I suggest you f**k off and get a life, or call 999 and let the police deal with it.

Hi. I am out of the office now, so take your boring business bullshit and stick it up your arse. Literally. Put your dreary Powerpoint presentations on an external hard drive and ram them right up your jacksies.

Hi. I am out of the office now and unable to listen to your shit-for-brains conversations. This includes the the sales lads’ depressing ‘bantz’ about ‘munters’ and anal sex, and also Maureen’s drivel about how accurate her psychic is.

Hi. I am out of the office now. Please go to hell if you are one of the following:

● Some idiot from an office supplies company who will not accept that I am not the person who bulk buys handwash for the toilets; 

● A teenager asking about work experience who then never replies after I’ve spent ages making enquiries and sending them the right contact details, you little shit;

● The idiot who keeps ringing me even though I have explained 15 times this is not a cab firm. 

Hi. I am out of the office now. I am drinking wine and eating the best sardines ever. I am never coming back and have decided to become a Portuguese fisherman. This may not be the right career decision, but it is better than listening to Gavin’s golf anecdotes.

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Boris's guide to being Trump's bitch

WHAT ho! If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that sometimes you can’t avoid kissing the a*se of an unstable orange buffoon. Here’s how to do it.

Remember Donald’s playground insults are actually very clever 

This week Donald called the British ambassador “very stupid”. He has many other witty put-downs, such as “douchebag”, “pussy” and “dumb f*ck”. I have to admit I laugh like a drain at the sparkling badinage of this latter day Wilde, I really do. 

Do what Donald says  

Donald is a man who’s used to getting what he wants – and good on him, I say! So when we last met and he asked me to “dance like a clown, you the British clown guy”, I readily obliged, prancing foolishly around the room for almost an hour until he told me to stop. It was enormous fun.

Learn to speak Trumpish 

Trump’s use of English is somewhat different to other people’s. For example, “the cat sat on the mat” will come out as “We have cats, very good cats, the best cats, sitting on mats, all sorts of mats, the bigliest mats”. Some might say this is the garbled speech of an imbecile, but who except the most brilliant of minds could invent their own language?

Be unquestioningly loyal at all times

Contrary to popular belief, Donald does not get into disputes because he is a belligerent f*ckwit. So when we were having dinner and he started shouting at a waiter I gave the fellow a good kick in the buttocks as he scuttled off to the kitchen. I think Donald liked that, although it’s sometimes hard to tell because he goes partially to sleep, like an evil lizard.

Pray he is not being literal 

I used to think that if Donald said “Kiss my ass!” he was speaking figuratively, but after certain allegations about certain videos I am no longer so sure. All I’m saying is that on my next visit to the States I shall be taking plenty of mouthwash.