Friday, 10th July 2020

What sort of anti-vaccine halfwit are you?

ARE you furious about plans to give the cancer-preventing HPV vaccine to 12-year-old boys? Find out exactly what type of anti-science b*llend you are below: 

Permanently angry parent

Your rage about exaggerated risks like vaccines, grooming gangs and LGBT education for the under-fives is what keeps you going, occupying far more of your time than doing something useful like teaching your children to f*cking read.

Full-on conspiracy loon

Vaccine paranoia fits neatly into your terrifying imaginary world of New World Orders and 9/11 truths. If anything, vaccines are the least of your worries when you’re headed for a FEMA death camp run by a Satanic-Illuminati cabal and their anal-probing alien buddies.

Science dunce

You were sh*t at science at school, so science is clearly sh*t. You believe vaccines cause autism and electrical waves from street lights are the cause of your headaches, not Vodkat from Asda.

Washed-up celebrity

If you’re an ancient DJ, past-it model or former member of a dire, two-hit 1990s pop band, anti-vaxxer views offer a last taste of fame. Really you should do the dignified thing and quietly fade into appearing in panto in Romford.

True drivel believer

You have a gullible belief in any fringe bullsh*t, including but not restricted to: healing crystals, ghosts, angels, past life regression, colonic irrigation and Slender Man. Everything you believe is f*ckwitted nonsense, but at least you’re consistent.

Professional right-wing contrarian

If you’re Katie Hopkins or similar, anti-vaccine hysteria is a great opportunity to grind some dismal axe about ‘the nanny state telling you what to do’. You’d be in favour of smallpox if it played well on Twitter.